5. X-Men: The Last Stand

Disappointing doesn’t even begin to describe this film. X2 is probably the greatest superhero film to date (I don’t count Spider-Man 2 because it’s such a human story that the superhero aspect is almost secondary to the realness that makes Spidey such a compelling character). Sure, not every character got their due, but they introduced as many characters as they could handle, they built on some of the originals, and tied it all together to make a film where I could just ask “so what was your favorite scene?” and any answer would be acceptable. But the film ends on the most badass of notes: DARK PHOENIX. The film makes it pretty clear that the Pheonix is Jean Grey experiencing a second mutation.

X-Men 3 just took a big steaming pile of piss on the previous film. Maybe if X2 didn’t exist, X-Men 3 wouldn’t look so crappy, but instead of even trying to clear the high bar, it just dances around it and hopes that it can get by on character deaths, cheeky references, and a cacophony of characters and plotlines. The film is lifting two major storylines from the comics: Dark Phoenix of the Silver Age and the Mutant Cure from the modern age. Both would have enough meat to make a film, but instead, they’re both crammed into a 100 minute run time. Furthermore, Phoenix is now just a split personality of Jean (wha?), big characters suffer major changes but a couple major ones are reversed simply for shock value (stay after the end-credits to have the film hate you more). The action scenes are dull, the characters don’t develop, and it’s just one, big lifeless mess. It has all of the poor writing of fanfiction but none of the passion.

4. Apocalypto

So, pissing on an entire civilization—what’s that like? I have no idea why Mel Gibson wanted to make this film. Perhaps it’s his obsession with violence. Perhaps he’s as insane as we all thought and he just one day thought “Hey! Mayans!” Whatever the reason, Mel Gibson cares little for truth, culture, and even making a decent picture.

While I think The Passion of the Christ is a pretty weak picture as well, at least that’s his culture. Even the blaming of the Jews for the death of Jesus, while historically inaccurate and disturbingly portrayed, is in the Bible so it’s not like he just decided “Hey! You know who I’m gonna make the bad guys? The Yids!” But with Apocalypto, the amount of disrespect is just astonishing. But it has given me a life goal: get insanely wealthy and then fund a Mayan director who wants to make a film about Jesus, accuracy be damned.

3. The Da Vinci Code

The book, poorly as it reads, reads like a movie. It has short chapters that play like quick cutting between scenes. It has an interesting, if wholly made-up and slightly stolen plot, that translates well into a fun quest through art and history. But between selling one trillion copies and eight-hundred documentaries questioning the veracity of a fictional narrative, everyone except Ian McKellan thought they were making a serious drama instead of what this film should have been: a popcorn flick in the vein of National Treasure. Despite the strong cinematography and Hans Zimmer’s lovely score, the film goes from dull and only picks up at the end when it becomes hilariousily terrible. My friend Eric put it best so I’ll just fininsh by quoting him, “Forrest Gump just told Amelie she’s the descendant of Jesus.” Sure, you can always make that joke and apply past roles, but if The Da Vinci Code weren’t so freaking pretentious (and I use that word as it’s intended and not as a lazy criticism), we wouldn’t have to take it down a peg.

2. American Dreamz

What if someone made a satire but forgot to have a point? That’s the best way of describing American Dreamz, a film that feels dated instead of timely and fluffy instead of cutting. The War on Terror and American Idol both dominate our culture and I don’t understand how a film uses both as a springboard and then says absolutely nothing about either. I’d be impressed with how it manages to dance around the topics if I weren’t so frustrated with this tremendous missed opportunity. But at least I know what The Daily Show and The Colbert Report would be like if they were unfunny and pointless.

1. Fast Food Nation

I am officially done with Richard Linklater. I dislike Slacker (although I respect what it is in terms of indie film), I loathe Waking Life but I really enjoy School of Rock and Before Sunset. But this year, Linklater landed on my shit list by showing his true colors and botching not one but two adaptations: A Scanner Darkly and Fast Food Nation. I let him off the hook with Darkly because pretty much every filmmaker manages to fuck up Philip K. Dick books. But Fast Food Nation was important and about important, real-life issues. Instead, he ripped the most sensational aspects of the book (slaughterhouses and shit in the beef) and then killed it and Darkly by indulging his strange fetish of watching people talk. The conversation is irrelevant. It doesn’t enhance our understanding of the characters and it rarely provides a major narrative push. It's just characters shooting the shit. I would almost credit it as improv if the conversation didn't seem so stilted and like an imitation of life.

This ego devouring an important work and I’m just glad that Morgan Spurlock’s Super Size Me and Eric Schlosser’s source material managed to already cover what Linklater could obviously care less about.