GoldbergBlog

Newsbreak: People Want Halo 3

According to self-congratulatory Gamestop officials who make sure that you’re molested about fifty times during your visit to one of their stores (I used to personally molest people in between making sure the racks of used games were alphabetized for five seconds before being messed up again in the general ebb and flow of consumers’ perusal habits), Halo 3 has over four-million pre-orders which would make it a record of some kind.

Now I’m not necessarily against the practice of pre-ordering. You need to do it when a big system launches. You need to do it when a small but less-marketed game launches (i.e. Phoenix Wright, Hotel Dusk). But what you probably don’t need it for is when Halo 3 launches. This stat basically says that not only is Halo 3 the must own game (because with Halo 2, fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, and well, I’m still going to to be out sixty bucks), but that there are 4 million people so worried that they won’t get to play it on its release date, that they’re going to put at least $5 down to make sure they get at least the regular version of the game, if not the Collector’s Edition or the “I-Have-Too-Much-Money” Edition.

So right here, right now, I will issue a challenge. This November, on whatever day Halo 3 arrives. I will walk into a store and purchase it without a pre-order. Did I just blow your minds?

Set your Internet. It’s happening.

(Also, if you could remind that it’s happening, that would really help me out. Thanks.)

This Kid Is Cooler Than Me

Not that being cooler than me is a difficult task, but he’s cooler than most life. See how he destroys this song on Guitar Hero II on Expert. Meanwhile, I’ll keep trying to beat “Shout at the Devil” on Hard on my PlayStation 2.

Review – God of War II

Kratos, the anti-hero who slaughters most of Greek mythology, makes the Spartans of the popular film 300 look like pussies. Oh, the 300 have their moments, to be sure, but they don’t jump on giant eagles and hack off their wings in mid-flight. They don’t charge cylopses and pull out their eye (do it twenty times to unlock a bonus!). They don’t pick up wounded soldiers and throw them into giant gears because that next area isn’t going to unlock itself. No, Kratos is not a nice fellow, but he will get your bloodlust going.

Picking up right after the first God of War, Kratos has replaced Ares as well, the God of War. Unfortunately, he’s gone a tad overboard and is leading his Spartan people (seriously, with this and 300, I’m converting from Jew to Spartan. However, I probably will need to get my foreskin back…) and the Gods of Olympus decide that it’s time for Kratos to go. But even a sword to the gut from Zeus himself can’t stop our hero and it’s up to Kratos, with the help of the Titans, to find the Sisters of Fate and give all of Olympus a heafty dose of disembowlment.

At the end of the system’s lifespan, God of War II pushes the PlayStation 2 to its limits, calls it a bitch, and makes it go even further. The level of detail and graphical power of the game are simply astounding. But the graphics are more than just shiny pixels because the art design is so wonderously imaginative. Sure, Zeus looks a little cliched (white dude with a long white beard) but you won’t know what to expect when you come face-to-face with the Sisters of Fate or the Steeds of Time. The music and the score perfectly compliments the epic scale, with a full chorus, every brass instrument known to man, and sound effects that make every bone-crunch and snap all the sweeter.

But none of this works if the gameplay weren’t just as solid. Fans of the original God of War won’t be disappointed as Kratos will be employing all his old moves, plus a few new ones, like being able to move while firing arrows or turning your opponents into wack-a-moles with a giant hammer. However, there is one new addition that will have you dying more times than is really fair and that’s the Icarus Wings. Intended to give you the power to glide over large areas, the ability is poorly implimented and you’ll find yourself either not activating the wings when you need them or accidentally deactivating them when you’re over a giant pit of lava. Also, some of the puzzles go beyond the reasonable and will have you going online to figure out the answer, especially near the end of the game.

Still, God of War II is an absolute must-buy for any owner of the PlayStation 2 console. If you don’t like action-adventure games, get over it and buy this game. If you don’t like Greek Mythology, then you’re weird, should get over it, and buy this game. If you don’t like insane amounts of violence, I understand, I sympathize, but get over it, and buy this game.

Video of the Day – March 13, 2007

I’ve decided to add a new feature where I take the best video clip I’ve seen on the day and share it with you fine handful of readers who choose to read the site. Today, Art Imitates Life and Life Hilariously Disapproves.

Understanding Criticism, Part 1

Everyone’s a critic. The less well-known follow-up to that famous line is that “not everyone knows what they’re doing.”

I’ve been reviewing films since high school. And by reviewing, I don’t mean I saw movies and then told my friends what I thought about it afterwards. I mean I took the time to think about the film, write a review for the school paper, and make a coherent argument. Someone, please give me a medal.

It seems easy enough but there’s an aspect to all criticism that creates a load of controversy: the grading scale. I don’t know how teachers and professors and health inspectors get away with it, but when you’re an entertainment critic, you better keep every damn rating you’ve ever made on file because if someone realizes that you gave one item a higher number or letter, then your arbitrary system will go to hell.

Enter Destructoid’s Reverend Anthony (his parents must be a little disappointed that he decided to review videogames rather than enter the clergy). He recently started a series of articles explaining why videogame reviews “suck”. While I highly suggest you read his article, his main point is that numbers must correspond to actual value. 10 should be Perfection, 5 is Average, and 1 should be The End of All Life As We Know It. While this is sensible, it simply doesn’t hold water. No game can ever be “perfect”. Nothing can be “perfect”. By being “perfect”, something would be completely undone by being an abnormality and thus defeat its own perfection. That’s why I don’t equate “10″ as perfect but rather “classic”. A movie or game or whatever I believe will stand the test of time, at least with me. I also have 10+ but that’s only for classics I believe will stand the test of time and if you disagree I’ll grind your bones to make my bread (which is how Thomas’ makes their delicious English Muffins: human bones).

The numbers and letters are really quite insufferable if you’re a critic but you take them as a necessary evil. You know that many will not have time to read your argument but they want an idea of value and they want it quick. It almost makes a critic want to slap on false numbers to baffle and confuse the reader; to have them read the article to understand the bizarre rating, state your real opinion, and then end the review with “Gotcha!” Or instead of some numerical, quantative-system, start using random objects. For instance, I’ve been playing Rogue Galaxy lately and I give it a rating of Toaster. What the fuck am I talking about? Read on!

Numerical ratings should be after the fact. While after watching a film my mind my zap to a number on a 1-10 scale, after re-reading my reviews, I always try to make sure that the number is justified by the words. But the numbers are really just a quick fix and far too arbitrary to have any real value.

While I agree with Anthony that the skewed scale of reviewing games needs an overhaul, I also think that we can’t be held to some rigid and arbitrary standard where numbers have an inherent meaning beyond themselves. We don’t need to standardize the grading system. We just need to make better arguments and make sure that our shorthand conveys the same.

[Note: This is the first personally penned article I've ever submitted to Digg. I'm sure it will have a total of 1 digg (my own) and should it have the great misfortune of reaching the mainpage, the commentators will tear me a new one by saying that the design of my blog and my writing gave them rectal cancer despite my repeated warnings that this site should not be inserted in the anus].

Sony’s Phil Harrison Provides Amusement

GameDaily recently interviewed Sony Computer Entertainment President Phil Harrison about the PlayStation 3. He provided choice line after choice line that I couldn’t help but mock.

GameDaily BIZ: Are you bothered by all the negative press about Sony and the PS3 lately? Even certain mainstream press publications have labeled the console biggest disappointment, etc…

Phil Harrison: No, not a bit. I think, first of all, the so called negativity is in a fairly narrow section of the media.

Yes, in such niche mags as Time and Newsweek.

Harrison (cont.) The most important thing, however, is that the people who buy the system love it,

Is there really an alternative emotion after dropping $600 on a videogame system?

Harrison (cont.) I don’t really care about the negativity in the press; if it was true, if they were talking about real big issues that were genuine criticisms, then of course we’ll address them, but there’s nothing that bothers me

Really? So the price, the lack of games, the lack of a rumble feature would all be small issues that are just nitpicking your genuinely great system? I understand the guy has a product to sell, but his bullshit could use some work.

Harrison (cont.) I think the fact that we are able to have a very well organized, very well managed supply channel, which allows us to keep the stores restocked, is a really positive thing. You would be sitting here saying, “Why the hell are you out of stock? Why the hell can’t you manage the supply chain and why can’t people buy PS3s?” So we’re actually doing in succeeding in managing to keep the demand satisfied, so I think that’s a positive.

He’s right. It is a positive that you can keep a system no one wants in stock. I know what he’s trying to say is that people are buying them and that no one is noticing because they’re keeping suppliers so well stocked. So remember, the next time you see a lot of one product sitting on the shelf, it’s selling like gangbusters and they have a very well managed supply channel.

BIZ: But don’t you feel pressure from the realities of the market and people who maybe don’t want to spend $600? Do you feel there is pressure to drop the price this year?

PH: Absolutely no pressure at all. I think that the reality of the market is that there’s a great deal of software people want to buy, there’s a great deal of software coming that will stimulate further activity in the market. We’re very comfortable with the plan.

There IS a great deal of softwar people want to buy like…Resistance? And, um…yep, maybe Resistance if they don’t have an XBox 360 and Gears of War. That’s about it. Sit around and wait for Devil May Cry, Metal Gear Solid 4, and Final Fantasy XIII.

PH: We have no plans to do so in the standard controller that ships with PlayStation 3. I believe that the Sixaxis controller offers game designers and developers far more opportunity for future innovation than rumble ever did. Now, rumble I think was the last generation feature; it’s not the next-generation feature. I think motion sensitivity is. And we don’t see the need to do that.

Rumble was a last generation feature. And not-rumbling was the generation before that. PlayStation 3: Kickin’ it reeeal old school. Also, why is it an either/or argument? Why does the Wii-mote have both and you don’t? But hey, enjoy your half-assed motion sensativity.

Harrison (cont.) Having said that, there will be specific game function controllers, potentially like steering wheels that do include vibration or feedback function—not from us but from third parties.

Because those guys make real reliable products.

I’m not inherently anti-Sony or anti-PlayStation 3. I’m just anti-bullshit and if I had a nickel for the amount spewed in this article, I could afford a PlayStation 3.

Review – Phoenix Wright: Justice For All

I would like to begin this review by describing this game with possibly one of the worst analogies ever.

Ahem.

You know when you have a girlfriend and you part ways for the summer but as you correspond you build each other up in your minds and then when you see each other at the beginning of the new school year, she’s totally not as attractive as you remember? (Keep in mind, this was before MySpace and widely-available webcams and camera phones and all that noise. I’m talkin’ back in the day….like 1999-2000)

Yeah, Phoenix Wright: Justice For All is that less attractive girlfriend. She hasn’t changed, but everything that used to slightly get on your nerves now makes you want to contemplate murder. Also, her stories are suddenly less interesting, her jokes less funny, and her entire demeanor more annoying.

Did that explanation seem tedious and irritating? Then I’ve just given you a taste of Phoenix Wright: Justice For All (I dislike this game a little more because I want to put an “and” in front of that “Justice”).

Something just doesn’t work this time around. Some of the novelty has worn off, but the faults are clearer and the characters are wearing thin. The game almost seems to hate Phoenix this time around as it gives him a lame case of amnesia as a means of tutorial and then proceeds to make him out as nothing more than a hack who presses witnesses not because it’s his job, but because he doesn’t have a clue.

The flaws of the first game become even more apparent this time around. The first game’s biggest weakness was the Game Over and being forced to struggle your way back through all the dialogue you’ve already read. And you’ll probably do this more times with this game due to the change from five-strikes-and-you’re-out to a life-meter which bends to the designers’ whim. They want to raise the tension? Getting the next answer wrong will cost you your entire life bar!

This pain-in-the-ass system carries on outside the courtroom with the new psych-lock system. Want to get the big secret and get a half-lifebar’s worth of health? Break the psych-locks. Thankfully, you can’t get a game over but if your health drops to zero, the Psychic Lock Breaking ends and you’re now at zero health. Your health, which, also stays the same throughout the entire chapter. Then, every time you break a Psych Lock with zero health, then it’s just one strike and you’re out. Have fun going through the same lines of a dialogue as you make a fresh leap of logic that will baffle you apart once you come to the correct answer (assuming, of course, that you have all the evidence necessary to break the lock in the first place).

The sad thing is that these are both easy fixes. Why not give life for correct answers and deduct it for wrong ones? Why not always allow for fast forward like the game does when you’re re-reading testimony? Granted, you bypass the re-reading by doing a suspend-save, but then you’re taken back to the title screen. Now do that every time you’re risking an objection, especially if you have a low life bar. Guess how much fun that it is.

(The answer is “Zero Fun”)

And re-reading the dialogue won’t give you any new insights because this is where the game’s second biggest flaw become apparent: the logic leaps. Sometimes it’s just impossible to know what the game wants from you. Other times, the game is painfully ignorant.

BEGIN SPOILER:

For example, in your first case, you’re solving the murder of a man who died from a broken neck. In the sand, he’s apparently scribbled his girlfriend’s name, “Maggey”. Now, anyone that has any basic knowledge of science knows that you probably won’t be scribbling anything with a broken neck. So how do you object? With the autopsy report. But you’d be wrong. You actually need to object with the Maggey’s profile because the man with the broken neck, spelled her name as “Maggey” and not as “Maggie” as it’s actually spelled.

While this explanation does become important seeing as the killer heard Maggie’s name but didn’t know the strange spelling, the designers shouldn’t have failed Human Anatomy 101, Chapter 1: People With Broken Necks Don’t Write Shit.

END SPOILER.

The biggest positive this game has is its charm, but even that wears a little thin at times. The game is clever and weaves in some fun pop culture jokes, but when you have to keep questioning a character you’d rather punch into the ether, like Moe the Clown or the second appearances of Lotta Hart and Wendy Oldbag, then trudging through the cases becomes even more difficult. Thankfully, the charm of characters like Pearl, Detective Gumshoe, and a few others always provide a bit of relief.

Although both Phoenix Wright games are ports of GBA games that were originally only available in Japan, the sequel feels lazier and it needs to be stronger now that the novelty of the first game has passed. With only four cases and no new case to take advantage of the DS’ touch and microphone capabilities beyond shouting “Objection!” and searching rooms ends up hurting the series more than it helps.

Fans of the first game will pick this up to get their Phoenix fix but will be left wanting the next game to truly take advantage of the DS’ capabilities and fix the aspects of the game that make it more than…

Wait for it.

TRIAL AND ERROR.

I just got aroused.

Disclaimer: I’m Kind of an Asshole

Working at Gamestop is pretty dull. When I’m trying not to think about how badly my feet hurt or what I would buy had I the money to pay for it, I’m doing super fun tasks like alphabetizing, which can actually be very zen and calming.

Today was boredom at its finest. Working from about noon till 4, most people were at school or work, finalizing their holiday plans, being of good cheer, and not videogame shopping. Only the occasional and expected question about Wiis and PS3s we didn’t have in stock.

But in between hour long bouts of severe boredom, unexpectedly humorous moments arose. Moments I will share with you now:

1) A customer approached me and gave me the quote of the day: “You look like a man.” This was his introduction. I simply responded “thank you” since “man” is a much better descriptor than “social-reject” or “serial rapist”. He then proceeded to ask me questions about games that had nothing to do with my manliness.

2) I got into a religious debate with a torso. A man with no legs riding a motorized scooter approached me. He was looking for a copy of NBA 2K6 for a good price. However, aside from noticing the no legs thing (read the disclaimer people; and yeah, like you’re just absolutely blind to physical disabilities), I also noticed that his scooter had big shiny sticker on the front which read “Jesus Is Lord”. As I was trying to help him find the game, he made some comment about Jesus, I grinned like an idiot (because I am an idiot and so when I grin, the idiot function should go without saying), and he inquired about my religion and the only way I could stop this downhill slide about arguing religion with a man who probably needs it more than most, was to simply say “So do you still want NBA 2K6?” I’m not averse to a religious debate, but I’m not anxious to jump in against the handicapped and during work hours.

3) A guy wanted to find a copy of Robotech so he could draw the cover. When I found him a copy, he hugged me. I’ve helped parents find games for their kids; I’ve explained systems six ways till Sunday, but finding a $4.99 copy of Robotech got me a hug.

Unfortunately, this was not the end of our time together as he wanted me to find him a third-person shooter. I recommended James Bond: Everything or Nothing since it also had the two-player functionality he wanted, but because we only had it used and our used copies lacked pictures, he didn’t want it. We then went through a problematic series of his shifting desires. Did he want a fighting game? An RPG? How much? I also had to correctly teach him the pronunciation of Xenosaga 800 times.

Him: X-n-O-gears?
Me: No, Zee-no-sa-ga.
Him: X-n-O-gears?
Me: No, Zee-no-sa-ga.
Him: X-n-O-gears?
Me: No, Zee-no-sa-ga.
Him: X-n-O-gears?
Me: No, Zee-no-sa-ga.
Him: X-n-O-gears?
Me: [brain implodes]

Call it dyslexia. Call it a learning disability. I call it a preview of hell which is apparently where I’m going since I’m Jewish and don’t believe that Jesus died for my sins (which, BTW, I never asked him to do).

So that was my fun day. Thankfully, tomorrow I get to look forward to a free screening of Eragon with my friend Cait and then I can expect my mother to emotionally berate me about why I don’t have a full-time job.

Final Fantasy XII – Review

This is without a doubt not only the worst Final Fantasy game I’ve ever played, but one of the worst games I’ve ever played, period. I believe that if this game was called anything other than Final Fantasy, game critics would have layed down the bitch-smacking it heartily deserved.

I was a die-hard FF fan. I still consider Final Fantasy VII, the game that brought me into the series, a game I could still pick up and play with all the enjoyment I did back when it first came out in 1997. But apparently Square-Enix has no notion of its heritage beyond roman numerals and this year’s atrocious Dirge of Cerberus and now FFXII have brought the hard-death to my love of the series.

The biggest problem among the many is the lack of character development. We’re thrust into a gigantic world war with an evil empire and a small rebellion and that’s all well and good. That tends to be the set-up of these games (big guy vs. little guy), but there was always a commitment to the characters that drove the story forward. How is it that Final Fantasy VI, with its 22 characters, manages to create interesting, compelling arcs for everyone while FFXII with only six characters, has as much character growth as an ad for tampons (actually, the tampon commercials have an edge because those women manage to find a solution to dealing with their monthly visitor while this game diddled me around for fifty hours).

I kept sticking with the story wondering when it would get interesting and it never happened. The first six to ten hours are spent just trying to introduce all the characters and their motivations (The disgraced soldier wants honor! The street-kid wants Revengture! (that fun mixture of “revenge” and “adventure”) I want my time and money back!); motivations that always seem miniscule when constantly compared to the giant backdrop of the dull political and diplomatic intrigue. The game’s big bad is Vayne Solidor and despite a neat intro scene, the writers decided to just make him power-hungry and be done with it. Guys, you have to live in the shadow of Kefka and Sephiroth—Step up.

The game can’t even really choose a protagonist. It starts off with Vaan who has a voice actor that’s doing his damndest not to make the character seem like he leaped straight off the pages of Tiger Beat. All the voice acting is great and it’s a shame that we don’t get more of it in trying to develop these characters. No, the story is too busy spinning its wheels because once you get everyone together, it’s time to follow a big boring path not once but twice. I don’t know if this counts as a spoiler since nothing of consequence happens, but if you’re super-worried, then stop reading and find out how terrible the game is on your own.

So here’s what’s gonna happen: You’ll pick up a shard cut from a special crystal and handed down by the Dynast-King. You get it after spending five hours dungeon crawling and boring fights. Thanks goodness the Gambit system takes the pressure off the X-button (or at least that’s the idea; more on that later). Then, you’ll take the shard to a special elder. The elder will tell you he doesn’t know anything but gives Ashe, the game’s real protagonist and indecisive bore that you wouldn’t want to run a Hardee’s let alone a kingdom, advice about where to go next.

Okay, now do it again. Then, you’ll reach a section where everything is explained through the introduction of a mythical force that hasn’t even been mentioned in the game up to that point. Along the way, you’ll get little glimmers that make your characters more than paper-thin, but the game refuses to slow down and let you give a damn about any of them.

Final Fantasy XII takes the high-level of character gameplay customization available in MMORPGs but totally forgets that when you create a character in those games, you’re responsible for all of it and you’re really making an alter-ego. Here, the names and looks and histories of these characters already exist (half-assed as they may be) so if you want any more development, use your imagination or read some fan-fic because as far as the writers here are concerned, their work is done.

Unfortunately, the gameplay isn’t that deep and is constantly sabotaging itself. A lot of reviewers have raved about the rewarding Gambit system, but none of the ones I read mentioned that the system is completely undone by the periodic introduction of a “guest” to your party. These are characters who will lend a hand in battle, which would be great except that you have no control over them at all. This fucks things up when I want to focus my attacks on one enemy at a time and the labotomized AI wants to go off, fight another enemy, and divide my forces letting me get my ass kicked.

Yes, Final Fantasy XII does deserve credit for being difficult but it’s not always fair. It would be one thing if the game was consistent, but in the opening when you’re weak, you’ll be sure to find a couple of monsters that should you accidentally steer too close, will fuck your shit up. This would be fine except after about a third through the game, this stops happening and only “Rare Game” (part of one of the game’s many boring sidequests) has the potential to beat you outside of boss fights. I’m also hesitant to give the game credit for having battles take place in-field rather than cutting to a separate battle screen, because other games were already on top of this and I don’t think I should give FFXII credit for not being more irritating than it already is.

Speaking of more irritating, another feature is the License Point system. It’s the natural progression of FFX’s Sphere Grid except since those characters had personalities, they had reasonable routes to travel. Here, every character starts at the same point and can be anything…in theory. Again, like with the Gambit system, it falls apart under simple scruitny. Sure, Basch can be a healer, but the game gave him a bit of a head start with some fighthing augmentations and he already uses a sword. Why would I push him out of his way to use a staff and healing magic?

With this idea of total customization already slightly crippled out the gate, the License Board becomes even more frustrating as it’s not simply a matter of purchasing abilities. With the exception of augmentations, everything must also be purchased. You can spend your points on whatever you want, but since you have no idea when it will be available to buy in a store, you could just be pissing away your license points. And not all items are available for purchase. You want something fancy like the ribbon or a high-grade weapon and you’ll have to do some side-questing and item-fishing to get the item out of the bazaar.

And that’s where the game’s greatest paradox comes into view: there’s A LOT to do. The problem is that none of it is any fun. For example, there’s the Clan Centurio side quest where you defeat specific monsters and rank up. This would be fine except the process must work like so:

1.) Accept hunt from clan board petition .

2.) Hunt down the petitioner and double-accept his task.

3.) Find the monster and kill it.

4.) Go back to the petitioner for the reward.

5.) Discover reward was not worth effort and curse loudly.

And while teleport stones are available in the game, you’ll still be doing a lot of walking around and fighting through non-targets before you finally reach your super-tough mark. Hope it doesn’t kill you because then you’re gonna be sent back to your save crystal which probably isn’t close by.

And the rest of the quests are either fetching stuff or the world’s most infuriating fishing game. I especially like when part of the fishing side-quest asked me to go on a fetching side-quest. And if you’re anal-retentive like me and have a need to finish what you start, you’ll be hooked but you’ll also be hating yourself. The only way I could tear myself away was through rationalizing that even if I completed everything the game had to offer, I would only be super pathetic since I still hated all of it. It also made switching the Guitar Hero controller and game in and out a bit of a bitch, and I enjoy that game waaaaay more.

Final Fantasy XII seems to highlight what other FF games did right and then do the complete opposite. The Sphere Board is now the broken License Board. Fascinating villains worth fighting is now Power-Hungry Emperor #1125. Personal storyline sidequests are now an off-handed quip or a throw-away line. Summons worth tracking down are now furstrating efforts in futility (Summons are almost entirely worthless in this game). Limit Breaks are now a dumbed-down slots game.

What pains me is that I’m sure there are better RPGs out there. Magna Carta, which I mocked earlier today, could be one of them, but I would never know because they don’t have the big Final Fantasy brand name and all the gaming-media attention it carries. And with all the positive reviews, it looks like Square-Enix now has license to continue making sub-par entries into the series. Well, it’s a good thing all those gaming journalists don’t have to pay for their PS3s or their games because I’m certainly not dropping one cent on Final Fantasy XIII. No, my money will be going to better games that don’t coast on previous successes.

Shame on gaming journalists for praising this unquestionable bore of a game. Shame on Square-Enix for bending over loyal fans and taking their money with pretty-yet-hollow games. And shame on me for spending almost seventy hours wondering if and when Final Fantasy XII would start being fun.

Judging By Its Cover: Magna Carta

In my daily work at Gamestop, I sometimes come across odd titles. These are games that fly under the radar of Big Gaming and their publications. However, I don’t see how anyone could have missed this game seeing as there’s bound to be a story about someone had their eye knocked out by a tit.

So I haven’t played Magna Carta but based on the front and back cover art, I will now make the following deductions:

1.) This game has little to do with the famous historical document of 1215.
2.) You play as breasts. Not with breasts, mind you. As breasts. As you gain experience points, you get bigger, more bountiful, and as you get weaker, you droop and can only be healed with silicone.
3.) Alternative title was Tits! The Game!