GoldbergBlog

No Glove, No Love

So Nintendo is apparently gonna drop $17 million so Wii owners can strap a protective glove over their Wii-mote and prevent possible throws or slippage. Okay, with the Wii-strap, I got it. They issued it, it wasn’t strong enough, they gave out a better one. I get it. But this is like issuing helmets to stupid children.

Hail to The Chief

Apparently some big-deal videogame comes out tomorrow. Involves some dude in armor saving the planet from aliens, I think. People are really psyched. Could it be we’re finally getting a new Total Recall game? That would be sweet! No? Halo 3? That’s a big deal?

YES.

My level of self-loathing for not owning an XBOX360 in on par with running over a baby. Twice. Personally, I blame the rampant consumer culture in which we live instead of any personal shortcomings I have as a human being. Damn you consumer culture!

But how can you argue with this advertising campaign? Forget Abraham Lincoln. Forget General Patton. Forget John Connor. Master Chief wins wars. His armor recharges itself! He has no discernible face! It could be anyone under there! People will play through Halo 3 on Legendary in hopes of getting a secret ending where The Chief removes his helmet and reveals…some guy! It would be great if it was some girl, but you really only get to use that trick once.

So tonight, I’ll be at Best Buy at midnight even though I don’t own an XBOX360, just to watch the Halo festivities and see if the kids in line with their parents are so easy with the “nigger” and the “faggot” and the “niggerfaggot” when they’re not in the safety of their own bedroom, far from the fists everyone that’s bigger than them. Then I’ll return home and softly cry myself to sleep.

Kingdom Broken Hearts

I’ve been keeping abreast (tee hee! breasts!) of this year’s Tokyo Game Show because, well, the alternative would be launching into apoplectic rage over shit like this.

Square-Enix announced that they would be launching not one, not two, but three spinoffs from the Kingdom Hearts series. I think Kingdom Hearts is pretty great and while among friends the sequel isn’t as popular as the original, I think they’re both pretty great. Heck, I even bought Kingdom Hearts: Chain of Memories because I was so hard up for some more of the KH world. The GBA title turned out to be crap and not long after beating the game (both Sora and Riku’s stories), it found it’s way into a cabinet only to be removed as I sold it off to Gamestop.

Unfortunately, Square-Enix thought they must have struck gold with that game because everything they’re launching that’s KH-related is portable and has the worst-sounding titles. First up there’s Kingdom Hearts: 358/2 Days. Apparently, calling it 179 Days just sounded gay. Released for the DS, the story is supposed to follow Roxas during the same time that Sora was card-battling his way through Chain of Memories. It’s an Action-RPG and I don’t care. Nothing against Roxas, but were fans really that desperate to know what Roxas was up to?

Apparently not as desperate as they were for Kingdom Hearts: Birth by Sleep (Who the shit is naming these games?!) which follows the three keyblade warriors from the secret ending of KH2 and this story takes place before the first Kingdom Hearts. If the characters go into the world of Song of the South, I will recant all criticism always and forever.

The last game and the only one with an even somewhat acceptable title is Kingdom Hearts: Coded. Unfortunately, it’s only for mobile phones and it focuses on King Mickey using a virtual Sora to move blocks. Thank Christ, my life is now complete.

Apparently Square-Enix really does think that the Kingdom Hearts franchise is their new Final Fantasy in that if they slap the title on it, people will buy it, regardless of how shitty or unnecessary it is. Correct me if I’m wrong, but wasn’t the combining of a Square aesthetic with the Disney world while utilizing a solid gameplay system what made the original games worthwhile? Instead of dicking around with three worthless spinoffs, why not just make Kingdom Hearts 3 for the PlayStation 3? What, are you worried you’re not going to be sell the game in the crowded PS3 marketplace?

But then again, this is from a company that can’t seem to understand that they could remake Final Fantasy VII every year for a different console and sell a billion copies each time.

BRAWL Lands The Finishing Blow

Super Smash Bros. Brawl has been looking great. From the moment the announced Solid Snake as a contender in the fight, it’s clear that Nintendo was seriously going to raise the stakes from the already popular Super Smash Bros. Melee. Then they announced four different control schemes, so you would have less excuses for sucking so hard. But there was always one component that fans were clamoring for and today, they finally got the confirmation that they were gonna get it.

Online play.

Smash Bros has a solid single player game but it’s always been richer as a multi-player experience. Now, Nintendo has added this crucial element. I’m betting that had they not included this element, the uproar would have been tremendous. While you still have to deal with the worthlessness of Friend Codes and there’s still the need for the painfully absent voice communication, you do have the ability to program your taunt, as seen below.

Of course, I imagine it will look more like this in an actual game:

(I play as Donkey Kong.)

A Miserable Pile of Plastic

I love cool action figures. I love it when companies makes action figures of characters from my favorite videogames. I love Castlevania: Symphony of the Night and its protagonist, Alucard. I love NECA because I think they make some pretty great figures.

I do not love this Alucard action-figure. It is technically accurate to the artist designs from the games but I don’t recall Alucard so strongly resembling star of Swimfan and television’s Six Degrees, Erika Christensen. This may be because I haven’t played Symphony of the Night in some time. Also, in-game, Alucard looked more like this. Still, I couldn’t put that on my shelf in good conscience. Not will all my other toys. I’d be too ashamed.

5 Reasons for 360 at The End of 2007

With the recent announcement that Microsoft would be dropping the XBOX360 by $50 on the premium console, this winter got even sweeter as the 360 has the best line up of games for the remainder of 2007, no question. Sure, the Wii does have Metroid Prime 3: Corruption, Super Mario Galaxy, and Super Smash Bros. Brawl, but I think you’ll agree after watching the following five videos, that the 360 is the system to have, especially when you consider the robust XBOX Live and 360 Marketplace. Sure, there’s always the red rings of death to worry about, but no console is perfect.

5. Assassin’s Creed

This game would be higher on the list if it hadn’t had a glitchy showing at this year’s E3 and trusted source Russ Fischer of CHUD.com (and other news outlets because the guy is awesome) said that the fabled crowd mechanics weren’t quite there yet. Nevertheless, a game set in 1191 during the Third Crusade with meticulous recreations of Jerusalem, Damascus, and Acre so that you can free-run the entire city while blending into crowds and figuring out how best to assassinate your target and escape…well that just deserves attention:

[And in case you're wondering, the music used in the trailer is "Lonely Soul" by UNKLE]

4. Mass Effect

Okay, I have to admit that the inclusion of this game isn’t so much because of anything beyond the publisher, the reputation, and the genre. So imagine that Pixar only made animated films every three years instead of once a year and you’ll begin to see what Mass Effect, a sci-fi RPG following in the steps of one of the greatest RPGs of all-time, Star Wars: Knights of the Old Republic, is a big deal.

3. Rock Band

This would probably be up one slot if I knew how well the online component played but this is clearly where Guitar Hero has grown (as for Guitar Hero III, I’m in no rush to buy it if I have Rock Band tiding me over). Rock Band does everything that the next Guitar Hero game should do in that it offers more online functionality, the ability to purchase full albums of music (they’ve already slated The Who’s Who’s Next as the first album you can buy) and full customization of your rocker and your band’s image. As for playing it with friends, well these people look like they’re having fun:

2. Bioshock

This is the game that’s giving first-person shooters a shot in the arm. While it lacks mutli-player functionality, the trade-off is a single-player experience like nothing you’ve ever played before. Too many games are staying in the same worlds of already established zones of war simulation (I know I can do without Call of Duty 4: Modern Warfare no matter how good it looks) and sci-fi action (the final game on this list being the exception) to take me to a place that I would want to visit even if it wasn’t a videogame. While most of the game’s story remains submerged in mystery, the game’s gameplay has been brought to the forefront to show you that you’ve never really played a game like this before. The following is a way to get through the same room three different ways, all up to the discretion and habit of the player:

1. Halo 3

I don’t care about the story. I don’t even think it’s super-revolutionary in it’s approach to the first-person shooter. No, what puts this at the top of my list is I can’t wait to get online and play it with all my friends, build my ranking, build my Master Chief, keep scores, and just generally have as much fun as I hoped to have online with Halo 2 had the weapons not been unbalanced and my connection at Oberlin not sucked complete and utter balls. While the following trailer doesn’t really clue you into the game, I just think it’s a well-made piece of advertising.

Paul Rudd Is Playing With Power

I think Paul Rudd is great. He absolutely kills in the supporting work he’s done and I wish Judd Apatow would grace him and the world with a comedy where he’s the star instead of a supporting character that would steal the film if not for an equally-excellent lead like Steve Carell or Seth Rogen.

What made Paul Rudd so great? I think I have the answer and if I’m ever lucky enough to meet him, this is gonna be the basis for my first question:

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xfloCZj9h5k]

E3 2007: I’m Not There

Not to diminish the experience of all the journalists that get to go to E3 and actually play the games and meet industry professionals, but as far as announcements and trailers go, I’m pretty much getting the same thing except maybe one hour later and in a more comfortable chair with less people to gawk at my hideous naked form (do they frown on nudity at E3? I imagine they would frown on nudity…wait, nevermind. I just saw the SOUL CALIBUR IV trailer). Anyway, here are my worthless impressions of what I’ve seen so far:

ASSASSIN’S CREED: Holy depressing. I don’t know who I feel worse for: Jade Raymond showcasing her game only to have it glitch up like a motherfucker. For a game set for release this November, you’re showing off something that’s clearly not ready for primetime if your making phantom contacts with NPCs and having floating bodies.

MARIO KART WII: I don’t know how you make a Mario Kart game seem not cool, but they pulled it off. Major selling points of online play have already been accomplished in Mario Kart DS and points like newbies being able to go “bumper to bumper” with veterans doesn’t seem so much “appealing” as it does “lame”. I mean, if I play more of a game, I want to be better at it. I don’t want Lucy McReadsalot to just pick up a Wii-mote and start kicking my ass. And that Wii-ell, well, if you think it’s lame me calling it that, then clearly, you have way too much respect for something that already exists and already doesn’t sell whatsoever.

WII-FIT: If you thought Wiis were hard to find now, just wait until parents find out that they can put their kids in front of a TV AND keep them healthy. Gamers may scoff, but has once again shown that they have their finger on the pulse of the mainstream.

HALO 360 CONSOLE: None more green. Also, it takes a big pair to announce a Halo 3-themed 360 and then say it won’t come with Halo 3.

NEW 360 ACCESSORIES: Until you learn the value of transparent plastic, I’ll just stick with the black and white controllers, thank you very much.
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My Post :: DESTRUCTOID :: Hardcore gaming blog
WII ZAPPER: Let me see if I have this straight: you show off Resident Evil 5 but not Duck Hunt? FAIL.

MASS EFFECT: Still not sold on this beyond “It’s an RPG from Bioware”.

LOST ODYSSEY: Not bad but I’m not in the Cult of Sakaguchi so I’m not gonna splooge all over it.

ROCK BAND: I guess the only question left is which instrument I’m gonna get.

MY LIFE COACH: The signal that perhaps its time to kill yourself, now on the DS!

THE SIMPSONS GAME: I want this to be good, it even looks kind of good, but since when have The Simpsons been good and since when has a Simpsons videogame ever been good?

GUITAR HERO III: Not much newness. It really remains to be seen whether or not Neversoft screwed the pooch on this one or if they’ve managed to at least keep the game as good as it ever was.

More of my armchair quarterbacking as new stuff to criticize based solely on appearance becomes available.

Major XBOX360 Announcement Tomorrow?

According to Kotaku, Microsoft will be making an announcement at their big Pac-Man tournament tomorrow. I assume it will be one of three things:

1) Price drop on the 360 / the new 65nm chips which will help stop the system from overheating.

2) Pac-Man fathered illegitimate Pac-Children.

3) Something else.

My money is on #3. Actually, this will probably turn out to be disappointing, but I’ve gone XBOX360-crazy lately, most likely from seeing that Halo 3 will rock the world in a way Halo 2 did not. Also, I’m in a gaming drought because other than maybe picking up Odin Sphere, the old systems are dying off but I still love gaming. I don’t own any of the next-gen systems and while I should just tell myself that it’s okay to not buy a new console every four or five years, the gamer in me wants to show off my gamertag like a badge of honor…or shame, depending on your view of videogames.

Update: Pac-Man Championship Edition for XBLA. Boo.

Reason #5,237 Why I Need To Get an XBOX360

This trailer for Assassin’s Creed is absolutely wonderful. I don’t care if it’s bullshot (although I don’t think it is), I don’t care if it turns out to be wretched crap (alright, I care a little). This is one of the best videogame trailers I’ve seen in a long damn time.

And sure, it’s coming out on PlayStation 3 as well, but there’s a much better reason to get an XBOX360 and that reason is called Halo 3.

Oh, and if you’re wondering about what music they used in the trailer, the song is “Lonely Soul” by UNKLE.