Sometimes, I like to kill some time at Borders bookstores. Sometimes, it likes to kill me back a little, like so:
It’s unfathomable that there could be anything worse at Borders to have its own featured display. I mean what could possibly be worse than–
Nevermind.
Georgia On My Mind
While an encouraging number of friends have already voted early, I won’t be voting until November 4th. My plan is to vote first thing in the morning and then go home and just soak up the political coverage. I didn’t have any problems voting at my local polling place in the 2006 midterm election and the 2008 primaries so I don’t anticipate any problems on the 4th. I’m even hoping that all the early voters do what they’re supposed to and actually make the lines shorter on Election Day. Either way, it should be a lot of fun….assuming no one challenges me.
Yes, with the disturbing notion that Georgia could go blue in this election, Republican Secretary of State Karen Handel that she was sending letters to 4,770 registered voters that they may have to cast “challenge” ballots that won’t be counted on Election Day (it’s okay, I’m sure the nation will wait) but, and this is awesome, regular citizens can challenge the citizenship of other voters at that polls. You can literally spend your day at a polling place, go up to strangers, and ask to see their papers. You have to laugh at that otherwise you will have an anyeruism due to outrage.
Now, personally, I’m not too worried about being challenged since I was lucky enough to born white and my doughy physique is an accurate reflection of my non-threatening nature. But Georgia’s growing Latino population is gonna get harassed by some dumbfuck who thinks that he has a license to safe guard the election from those gosh-darn illeguls. I think (and hope) that this won’t work for two reasons a) when someone with no authority whatsoever tries to challenge you, you laugh them off and tell them to do something (which they can’t); and b) there have been reports of people in Georgia standing in line for five to eight hours. After the first hour of standing in a line, you’re committed and no one, especially not some ego-inflated schmuck can kick you out.
So if someone tries to give you a challenge ballot and you know that a) you’re registered to vote, b) you’re at the correct polling place, and c) you have valid photo ID, you get to a cast your vote on November 4th on a real ballot that will be counted that day and determine the next President of the United States of America.
Since the McCain campaign and the Republican Party are in decline and don’t take losing very well, they’ve decided to go back to that time-tested strategy of deciding who’s a “real” American and who’s a “fake” American. I was worried that in all this talk about whether or not Obama was a terrorist and the possibility of a complete economic meltdown, we wouldn’t discuss who really loves their country and what loving that country means.
Thankfully, the GOP went there this past weekend and two of TV’s best editorialists have responded as only they could. First, the eloquent Keith Olbermann asks, “What is ‘pro-America’, Senator?”
Jon Stewart then has a follow-up question, “What the pfuck?”
Well, John McCain certainly surprised us all on Friday morning when he announced that Alaska Governor Sarah Palin would be his running mate. Other unexpected choices with about as much experience: Jesse “The Body” Ventura, Geena Davis, and Kermit the Frog. Oh yes, it was a “maverick move” in the same way that going for first down on 4th and 30 in football is a “maverick move”. I have yet to hear anyone describe this choice as “brilliant” or “wise”. I’ve heard “desperate”, “shocking”, and “idiotic”, but while this choice may have won McCain the news cycle, it may wreck the remainder of his campaign.
Next week is the Republican National Convention and instead of having the news focus on the speakers and the Republican platform and trying to dismiss the already conventional wisdom that the Republicans are going to lose big in November as far as congress is concerned (and that isn’t me being a liberal cheerleader; that sentiment is from Republican insiders), the media will be trying to answer “Who is Sarah Palin and why should she be Vice President?” The DNC had it organized: heal the party rift by the time Joe Biden got up to speak and then let Obama bring it home.
It wasn’t even that McCain picked someone only slightly more experienced than your server at Denny’s; it’s that the media had no time to prep. There’s been the comparison of Palin to Virginia governor Tim Kaine, who was on Obama’s short-list for VP, since they’re both first-time governors. Aside from the fact that Obama didn’t pick Kaine, here are some notable differences:
And let’s be frank: McCain is old. The guy turned 72 on Friday and if the male life expectancy for a person living in the United States is 75.2 years old, then should McCain survive his first term, he’ll be living on borrowed time. That’s cruel and understand that I don’t wish the man ill. As much as I disgree with his policies, I wouldn’t wish death on him, especially now that Sarah Palin would be his vice president and seems about as ready for the job as Michael Phelps (note: if McCain had put Michael Phelps on the ticket, he’d win every state; America loves that guy).
Yes, it would be neat if we had a female president. If we don’t have have a female president within the next twenty years, I’d be shocked. But the “wow” factor is going to wear off real fast when you realize that it doesn’t matter if the President is a man, woman, or transsexual: if they don’t know what they’re doing, that’s bad news for the country. One month ago, Palin didn’t even know what the VP did and to be fair, one month ago, she probably didn’t think she’d ever have to know.
Did John McCain forget that while he has to win an election, he also has to govern? That a choice of a running-mate is more than just picking up votes but a serious choice for who you want first in the order of succession? In a campaign marked by a desire to do anything to win, this is “The Maverick’s” most asinine decision yet. Sure, Palin’s got cred as a woman who’s a social conservative, but so do Ann Coulter and Michelle Malkin (note: if McCain picked Michelle Malkin, it would be the funniest thing ever because it would mean that Oberlin College, one of the most liberal colleges in the nation, produced the running mate for the Republican ticket).
The choice of a running mate varies from ticket to ticket. What Obama needed was not the same as what McCain needed. And McCain didn’t have a great field to choose from just as Republicans didn’t have an ideal choice for their Presidential candidate. Pawlenty was a safe choice but one that wouldn’t gather a lot of excitement. Romeny could have provided economic support and vigor but he’s a Mormon so he’s out. McCain agreed with Lieberman 100% on foreign policy but they would always disagree on social issues. Tom Ridge would have been a safe choice but he believes that women should control their utereuses so he’s out. The decision not to select Tom Ridge strikes me as particularly humorous because it means that the narrow issue of Roe v. Wade, which is such a hot-button topic yet miniscule in its significance when compared to larger issues of national security and the economy, could mean that the right wing’s lunatic fringe has set up the party for failure. The selection of Sarah Palin certainly doesn’t set them up for success.
A t-shirt featuring the image to the right is currently available at BustedTees.com. If you can’t spot the reference, that’s okay. If you can, well, there’s plenty of shame to go around and I’ll take a little over here. For those that still have their dignity, it’s a reference to the 1998 Jennifer Love Hewitt film Can’t Hardly Wait. Loveburger is the name of the lame band no one wants to listen to at the party. Add to this that the film is getting a 10-year anniversary edition DVD this fall and I can’t help but wonder: When did Can’t Hardly Wait becomes a 90s classic? It’s a cute little film but there’s nothing that memorable about it.
It think the problem is that the 90s lacked signature films that were part of the era. There are a lot of great films, but what 90s films scream their decade? Scream, I guess. The 80s, for all it’s garrishness and eye-sores, did leave an impression. Maybe in a couple more years, the picture will be a bit clearer, but when I think 90s, I think Nickelodeon, Nirvana, and Steven Spielberg cartoons like Animaniacs and Tiny Toons. Yeah, my childhood was crazy.
Dear Senator McCain,
It has been brought to my attention that twice in the past two days, you’ve referred to Czechoslovakia, a country which hasn’t existed since 1993. In a gesture of non-partisanship, I would like to provide this handy list of countries that existed during your lifetime, but now no longer exist:
U.S.S.R.
Prussia
Hamburg
Transylvania
Sardinia
Gaul
Saxony
Constantinople
The Holy Roman Empire
Last night, The Daily Show with Jon Stewart stole a joke from the web-comic, Penny Arcade. Jon Stewart must, for the integrity of his show, his writing staff, and himself, give credit to Penny Arcade immediately. I know it seems like I’m taking this too seriously, but this is an unnecessary blemish on The Daily Show’s stellar record.
Senator Clinton’s speech from last night in New York City:
Didn’t she just lose? I mean, Obama reached the magic number. He has half of all delegates plus one. She could get every remaining superdelegate and would still have fewer delegates. So…why is she talking like she won? Shouldn’t the words out of her mouth be “congratulations”? Honestly, I feel like I’m watching a speech from an alternate reality. Apparently, in this alternate reality, the person with the largest popular vote wins. I guess had Bizarro Obama known this, he may have run his campaign differently.
Also, in this alternate reality, she won the important swing states. She especially duked it out in Michigan and Florida where Obama didn’t campaign. Those are important states and the fact that Obama ignored those because he signed some silly pledge with all the other candidates just shows that he is not fit to be president in this or any other reality.
The Hillary of Earth-2 wants the people who voted for her to be counted. Apparently, nuts to the people who voted for Earth-2 Obama. They don’t count. They voted in caucuses n’ shit.
Of course, Hillary’s supporters in this strange land are also quite odd. Rather than turn the battle against John McCain and make sure that we’re not treated to four more years of failed Bush administration strategy, they want to keep fighting Obama and the DNC all the way to the convention. Or, maybe chanting “Den-ver! Den-ver!” is how they say “Wrap it up! Wrap it up!”
But the basic message of this speech seemed to be “Help me help you. Deep down in places you don’t talk about at parties, you want me on that wall; you NEED ME on that wall! Show me the money! I feel the need for speed!” Okay, I’m all out of Tom Cruise movies.
But the money quote was “I will be making no decisions tonight.” Rather than humbly accept defeat, math, and common political sense, there will be no graceful exit for Senator Clinton. I have no idea what she’s planning but I think Andrew Sullivan (who I think demonizes the Clintons to an unhealthy degree) has the best solution: make her the healthcare czar. Because she can’t be the VP. America’s not ready for that ticket and the amount of bad blood that’s been spilled during this primary season can’t be mopped up by a unity ticket.
Still, all Clinton supporters from all realities can go to HillaryClinton.com and let her know that they support her so that she can later go “Look! My supporters are supporting me! I’m not finished!”
But no matter what reality you’re from, I’m sure you were just as sickened by Clinton invoking America’s resilience after 9/11 to the resilience of her campaign.
I’ve reached the conclusion that John McCain is going to be adorable right up until he’s elected President. Then he’s going to be downright scary. But until that time, I have a feeling that he’s just going to provide non-stop hilarity in how out-of-touch he is with modern America. And I’m not even talking about his Iraq policy. I’m talking about stuff like today where he talked about opposing a bill that would provide equal pay for women because he didn’t want more lawsuits. Much better that women just take less money and keep their mouths shut. Barring that, getting in the kitchen and baking a pie.
Said McCain, “I am all in favor of pay equity for women, but this kind of legislation, as is typical of what’s being proposed by my friends on the other side of the aisle, opens us up to lawsuits for all kinds of problems,” the expected GOP presidential nominee told reporters. “This is government playing a much, much greater role in the business of a private enterprise system.” While that’s at least old-fashioned offensive conservatism instead of neocon insanity, how he followed up is where it got funny. From the AP:
McCain stated his opposition to the bill as he campaigned in rural eastern Kentucky, where poverty is worse among women than men. The Arizona senator said he was familiar with the disparity but that there are better ways to help women find better paying jobs.
“They need the education and training, particularly since more and more women are heads of their households, as much or more than anybody else,” McCain said. “And it’s hard for them to leave their families when they don’t have somebody to take care of them.
So women, rather than whine about how you make less than a man for doing the same job, get yerself a fella! Hey, wouldn’t it be neat if the Democrats already had a candidate, someone could call him on this and take him down in the polls? That would be awesome. As it stands, let’s ignore the depressing fact that the Democratic Primary will continue for at least another six weeks and instead just have a hearty chuckle at McCain’s old-timey sexism.
Barack Obama’s recent “gaffe” where he stated that working-class families that were falling through the crack were “bitter”. Well now we’re off to the races. Nevermind that Bush had a far more interesting statement when he confirmed what we already knew about authorizing torture. That’s not news! No! A Presidential candidate said the following:
“So it’s not surprising then that they get bitter, they cling to guns or religion or antipathy to people who aren’t like them or anti-immigrant sentiment or anti-trade sentiment as a way to explain their frustrations,”
Guess what: he’s right. It’s how you get people to vote against their own self-interests. And as pissed off as I am at the media for trying to drum up some drama over whether or not this kills Obama’s campaign because after the Reverend Wright flap, his inability to bowl, and now implying that working class people might be slightly upset after being constantly ignored by their government, Barack Obama is clearly not fit to be President. And it’s the last two that really hurt his campaign because it means he might be ::cue dramatic music:: an elitist.
Elitist is the word stupid people use when they feel insecure about people who are better than them. It’s anti-intellectualism summed up in one word rather than two. And of course Clinton and McCain just jumped on this, both throwing down the e-word. Multi-millionaires, unless they won the lottery or inherited their money, are not allowed to call others elitist. They’re not allowed because guess what: you’re not the common man. You may have been at one point, but just because you suddenly want to slap on an orange vest and go hunting or you can hold a barbecue for you and your closest political press buddies, that doesn’t mean you’re now Joe Six-Pack and you’re going to be scrapping for the little guy the second you get your hand off that Bible during your inauguration.
But most importantly, why is being elite a bad thing when running for President? It’s the most powerful public office in the country and arguably the world. I don’t want any schmuck to run it. I don’t care how good he is at quarters and whether he or she would make a good hunting buddy. I want my President to be capable. America fell for this shit before. Twice. They fell for it when George W. Bush who was born with a silver spoon in his mouth and went to Yale suddenly became a good ol’ boy saved by Jesus and could drink you under the table if he hadn’t sworn off the demon drink.
I want my President to be the best. Not the best bowler or the best hunter or the best grill-master. I want him or her to be the best person to lead this country. It’s an elite position by its very nature. Calling someone an “elitist” should be a compliment but I guess in a nation this fucking stupid, it’s an insult that could kill a Presidential campaign.
Update: As always, The Daily Show says it better than I ever could.
