The University of Lincoln Rejects Their Best Student

“TomSka” made two short advertisements for his school, the University of Lincoln.  They were both rejected.  As a result, I now reject the University of Lincoln because these ads are brilliant.

Friday, March 18th, 2011 brilliant, humor, Internet No Comments

Steve Jobs Is Weird

I don’t hate Apple.  I hate the Cult of Apple.  Of course, zealotry in all its forms is annoying, but Apple actually weaves it into its marketing and image.  I didn’t know “smugness” could test so well.  Apple competes with PCs, but other competitors–Coke and Pepsi, Marvel and DC, PlayStation and XBox–I don’t see a complete condescension to the consumers who prefer one over the other.  Sure, there was the Pepsi Challenge, but Pepsi didn’t go out, show someone drinking a coke, and then vomiting.  Of course, that’s down to personal preference whereas technology can be scientifically measured and analyzed to achieve objective results.

But Apple marketing isn’t about science.  It’s about making sure its users seem cool. Which is why the iPad is a “magical and revolutionary” device.  While I’ve had no problem making fun of that slogan, I’ve held off on commenting on the machine itself until I actually tried it out.  I played with one a few weeks ago at Best Buy.  My conclusion: it’s a very neat toy.  To call it a giant iPod Touch is pretty much on the money.  And that’s fine.  I’m planning to buy the new model of the iPod Touch whenever it comes out later this year.  But I think Cory Doctorow of BoingBoing put it best when he said of the iPad: “Incumbents make bad revolutionaries.”

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Saturday, May 15th, 2010 Internet, stupid, tech No Comments

Redesigned Movie Reviews Section


Over the past several months, I’ve been redesigning the page where I list all my movie reviews.  Hopefully, you’ll now find it easier to navigate and more pleasing to the eye.  I hope you like it.  If you don’t, keep it to yourself because otherwise you’ll hurt my feelings and I’ll have to go cry in the shower, which has the best acoustics for man-sobbing.

Sunday, May 2nd, 2010 criticism, Internet, movies No Comments

Vote for Collider

Collider was nominated for Best News Blog by  Here is the poll below.  I expect you to vote for Collider.  If you do not, then clearly you do not value our friendship and I will badmouth you to everyone and say that you smell funny.

Thursday, January 7th, 2010 brilliant, criticism, Internet, movies, personal No Comments

3 Wonderful Things About This Science Fair Project


1.) The school saw no problem admitting it into the science fair.

2.) She correctly notes that you cannot get AIDS from fucking a horse.

3.) They gave her a medal for this project.

34 more amazing science fair projects

Sunday, November 15th, 2009 brilliant, humor, Internet No Comments

When Do We Get Better Twitter?

Some have revolted against Twitter on premise alone: that microblogging is stupid and it promotes the innaties of our lives and turns us into narcisstic douchebags.

That is a valid (albeit highly cynical and narrow-minded) viewpoint.

Of course, I like to view Twitter as a tool.  It can be used for mundane ramblings, but it can also be used for promotion of one’s content, important stories, and as a quick way of sharing ideas.  I also like that it’s almost a challenge and encourages the brevity of wit.

And as to the point about it being narcisstic and mundane, I would like to point out that we have always been the stars of our own lives and just as we would accept narration in a book or a film, we shouldn’t disdain ourselves so heavily that we think our lives aren’t worth mentioning.  In a weird way, I think the Internet encourages all of us to scream our voices due to its high population.  We need the world to know we existed even if it was only in a minor fashion. Does this encourage us to remain comfortable in uneventful lives by inflating the banal into the adventurous?  Perhaps.  But it could also function as a means of realization and spur people on to actual adventures.  Like most things, it all depends on the user.

Some cynics may find such explanations laughable.  We can tell people that they’re not that interesting and that we don’t care that they’re having a ham sandwich but who is forced to read or use Twitter?  Why should anyone’s private hobby, as long as it doesn’t actively cause harm to another, get under your skin?

“It’s part of the downfall of society!” you cry.  You know, we’ve made it through public executions and using black people as property.  I think we’ll survive microblogging.

What I want to survive is inferior microblogging.  MySpace is to Facebook as Twitter is to whatever’s next and I want whatever’s next to be now.  Here’s a list of ten obvious features that Twitter could easily implement and so far they’ve managed to do about one and a half.  Is auto-fill that difficult?  Embedded links are just impossible?  I understand that there’s a consideration to be able to use it via your phone but sometimes you don’t get to do everything through your phone.  It sucks but it happens.

And I know there are desktop clients that have some of these features but it’s why should I have to download software when Twitter should have done all this crap yesterday.  I’m not looking for a massive overhaul–I’m looking for obvious features that they won’t implement either due to lack of funds (which is hard to believe given the amount of capital they’ve received and attention they currently hold) or due to lack of expertise.   Or maybe they’re just too busy fighting with the goddamned Fail-whale and micro issues to actually make the service better and are simply struggling to make it function.  They’ve come up with a good idea and they’re failing at the execution.  And that means someone’s going to take their idea and do it better and I’m waiting for that site to not only come along but for everyone on Twitter to pack up their shit and move to the better site.

In the meantime, I’ll just have to occasionally bitch about it in 140 characters or less.

Friday, May 1st, 2009 Internet, tech No Comments

Twitter Thoughts – Me vs. Wil Wheaton

wil_wheaton_01.jpgI will never have as many followers on Twitter as Wil Wheaton (as of this posting, 327,316).  Now I know there are folks out there with more followers but Wheaton’s followers are legit.  He ain’t the world’s most famous guy but he’s made his mark on the Internet in a big way and so you actually have to seek him out.  That’s earned popularity.

I could be like the best Twitter user ever.  I could command wit and insight in 140 characters or less.  Collider could become the biggest movie website on the Internet and I will never even have a third of Wheaton’s follower.  The only way I can see myself becoming as popular as Wil Wheaton is if I kill Wil Wheaton.  And that’s not to say that his followers would be like, “Wheaton is dead!  All hail the new king!” What I’m saying is like you’ll see the news reports saying “Film journalist kills Star Trek: TNG-star/Stand By Me-star/Geek Overlord Wil Whedon” and they’ll ask, “Why’d you do it, Matt?”  And I’ll say, “Have you seen the first season of “Star Trek: The Next Generation?” and we’ll all have a good chuckle before remembering that I just murdered a guy.  So really, I can’t become as famous as Wheaton but I can become as infamous as that woman who murdered Selena but now with social networking and morbid curiosity.

You can follow me on Twitter at but we’ll never best Wheaton.

Monday, March 30th, 2009 humor, Internet, personal No Comments

Praise Blog!

Who knew that my blog would be an asset and not a liability?  I did.  That’s why I keep it and write under my own name.

Today I went in for a job interview (a real one!*) and the interviewers both said they had read my blog and and enjoyed it!  I don’t know if that’s enough to hire me (that would be totally awesome if it were), but it did help boost my writing self-esteem.  Lately I’ve felt like I’ve been in a bit of a writing slump.  I’ve been turning in a steady stream of articles for Collider but I felt they were lacking the pop I was once providing.  I wasn’t playing with words like I used to or including fun asides.  It was rote analysis of movie news with not enough of the snark that I was hired to write in the first place.  And I love writing snark.  How many people get paid to be snarky?  Thankfully, not many.  But I’m one of them!

Anyway, if anyone ever tells you that keeping a blog may be detrimental to your job prospects, feel free to use this instance as anecdotal evidence.  You will surely win the argument.

*At some point I’ll have to chronicle how CareerBuilder led me into a den of thieves.

Monday, September 22nd, 2008 brilliant, Internet, personal No Comments

Diablo Cody vs. The Haters

While I know this news is a couple of days old, I felt I had to share some thoughts about Diablo Cody’s recent missive where she fires back at all those who have retaliated against her for being successful. It’s a very strong statement and one I encourage you to read.

However, it seems to slightly dodge one important issue. While Cody seems to be retaliating against the obvious jealousy of the “Film_Fan78″ variety of internet fanboys, she doesn’t seem to really go into the amount of sexism she’s facing and then kicking in the face with one of her patented kung-fu kicks.

Sexism, for those that are wondering, is NOT disagreeing with women or even disliking a woman. I feel like I have to clarify this point because our news media and political campaigns seem to fail on daily basis on the definition of “sexism”. Here’s a very simple test for determining sexism: if the circumstances were the same except the subject in question was a man and not a woman, how would you react?

And the truth with Diablo Cody is that she would be the new geek god. If Juno had been written by a man and from the perspective of Bleeker’s character, Juno would probably be hailed as one of the current crop of classic geek films and fanboys would be drooling at her next projects rather than leaving us mature people to do the heavy lifting and get excited for Jennifer’s Body and The United States of Tara.

But there is a flip-side to this article and it’s going to be odd because I’m criticising a criticism of a person’s critics.  We are truly through the looking glass.

Sometimes, you just have to let your critics go.  Her entire article, for me, is the very reason, you don’t respond to the haters.  Even if they were legitimate critics (and I have no doubt that there are about half of them with the words “sophmore slump” already macro’d into their Microsoft Word simply because God forbid anyone be as successful as Cody on their debut film), you have to let them go.

I once received an e-mail from a gentleman who was upset about my negative review of his independent film.  It was a straight-to-DVD film, I reviewed it for one of the sites I was working for at the time, and thought that was the end of it.  But this gentleman felt the need to seek me out and explain how hard he had worked and that I was reviewing a bastardization of his vision, and so on and so forth.

And I simply explained to him and as I will explain to Ms. Cody right now, don’t waste your breath.  The way you rise above your critics is by leaving them behind.  You can accept their criticism, study it, use it, or discard it, but if you engage it, then you’re lending it credence.  Cody is clearly a million times more successful than those who try to diminish her accomplishments, but this isn’t a case of throwing one good punch against a schoolyard bully and he’ll leave you alone.  This is one of those instances where she should have written all this out and then never published it, not for her privacy but so that it doesn’t give the pricks the satisfaction of knowing they got under her skin.

Cody just needs to keep doing her thing and eventually the haters will shut up because success speaks for itself.  I’m greatly looking forward to Cody’s upcoming projects and hope that she’ll remain above the fray in the future since she’s already above most of us already.

Friday, September 19th, 2008 criticism, Internet, movies No Comments

A Website At The Nexus of Time

Did you know that according to the Bible, it’s okay for parents to arrange marriages for their daughters? Even better, depending on the age of consent laws in your state, you can totally marry someone who would otherwise be totally illegal. Thank Christ we didn’t let the gays have marriage.

But where and how can I possibly marry off my adolescent daughter without coming off as incredibly creepy in this godless age we live in? Well, I guess modernity isn’t totally awful because with the advent of the Internet, I can marry off my underage daughter to anyone in the United States! Thanks, Internet! is unreal. Seriously, I keep looking for the “Gotcha!” and part of the site where they say “Of course this isn’t real! That would be fucking terrible!” But it is nowhere to be found. What is to be found, is the testimonials section, which contains glorious customer satisfaction such as this:

“At first we were worried that Janine was too young to get married, but then her new husband bought her a house and a car and jewelry and the money we got let us buy a house for ourselves. Getting out of the trailer park at our age was the best thing that ever happened to us, and it’s all thanks to Marry Our Daughter!”

That can’t be real. People in trailer parks don’t have access to the Internet, right? And how do they decide on the price? Who the fuck are these people? Of course, the site could only ever appeal to the richest of pedophiles. Also, none of these girls go for more than $100,000. I guess none of their parents were willing to dream the impossible dream that their daughter may be worth more than a luxury car. And you gotta feel bad for the girls who don’t even make it past $10,000.

I think I’m headed to jail just looking at this site. Look at the hidden keywords at the bottom of the page (Ctrl+A, scroll down, turn stomach).

Wednesday, September 5th, 2007 Internet, religion, stupid No Comments