GoldbergBlog

Dark Fire Did Not Avail Him

Make this shirt happen.

T-Shirt Mockery

I was reading Nicky’s Shrinking Pants Bulge by CHUD‘s always-hilarious Nick Nunziata today and because it led me to two must-buy purchases, I thought I would try to re-pay the favor by trying to suggest some cool things to him. Unfortunately, it led me to this article which showcases some of the worst hipster-retro-wear has to offer.

Your Shirt Is Not a Treatise

I like reading a funny shirt as much as the next guy who also likes to read funny shirts, but I’m not going to stare at your chest for five minutes trying to read off every joke that references my knowledge of Zelda or Mario. I will only stare at your chest for five minutes if you have a terrific rack, and in that case, I’m not going to be reading your shirt, although you will have provided me with the perfect excuse to stare and get away with it. But no shirt should have this much writing.

Sad Is Not The New Funny

You did not score with the princess. You’ve never scored with anyone or even anything. Your advances are rejected by inanimate objects. And Mario never scores with the Princess. He risks his life to save her, defeats the dinosaur-turtle hybrid who kidnapped her, and she bakes him a cake. Now that may be symbolic, but it may just be cake. Delicious, delicious cake. In any event, wearing this shirt suggests that while you may “score with the princess”, you should also buy a shirt that says “I will die alone,”

Multiple Choice Question

What is the lamest thing about this T-shirt?

a. It promotes Gizmo, the cutest but least interesting of all the Gremlins
b. It uses out-of-date urban slang
c. It’s “vintage”
d. All of the above

I could go on and on and on, but thankfully, I don’t have to.

Planned Parenthood

A recent segment on ABC News spoke about the disturbing fashion trends for pre-adolescent girls. While it’s not exactly new (there was a South Park about this a few years back and even then it was already a trend) and the previous generation will always think that the new one is growing up way too fast, six-year-olds dressing like skanks is still pretty disturbing. It may seem unfair that we’re focusing on how girls dress while ignoring boys, but boys aren’t dressing in a provocative manner. To be perfectly honest, I don’t even understand how any male could dress provocatively. I’m not gay, but even if I was, what on the male fashion market is provocative? Does Macy’s have codpieces? I guess there’s tight t-shirts, but only Vic Mackey seems able to pull those off (That previous “not gay” comment may have been premature).

But there just seems to be something incredibly wrong about pre-sexual girls trying to dress sexy. It’s one thing to dress your little girl in a bikini. It’s cute. It’s acceptable. It’s not like there’s anything to show off so it’s kind of like her dressing in mommy’s clothes except mommy doesn’t get all pissed off about it when she finds out. This is more like your little girl dressed in her teenage sister’s clothes and those clothes were tailored to fit.

The logic is that these little girls soak up the marketing and the sexpot idolatry, they go to the store, and the weak parents give into their little girl’s demands because God-forbid their child be unpopular. You know what? I could stand it if my little girl was unpopular with her classmates because you know who else she’d be unpopular with? Pedophiles. Granted, sex appeal has nothing to do with their pedophilia (it’s about power, according to Dr. Huang) but it does encourage her to have sex at an earlier age because she’s already sexualized herself and if the clothes make the man (or in this case, girl) and they’re forming their identity, then they must think that sex is only natural at a pre-sexual age.

And while there may be the “girl code”, i.e., no girl puts out easy because they don’t want to be known as a slut, if mentality towards that label changes and the connotation goes from negative to positive, then that taboo is no longer in place to stop the sexuality of pre-sexual girls. Think it’s not possible to change the connotation of the word “slut”? Okay. How many women under the age of thirty do you know that wear the word “bitch” like it’s a badge of honor? As if it’s a sign of strength? I understand that it’s a matter of co-opting a word in order to deprive it of its offensive nature, but all it’s done is made those who would use it move on to the insanely more offensive term, “cunt”. And I’m sure that in twenty years, that word will be co-opted. But by then, men will have moved on to a new derogatory term. My guess is “merkin” (Firefox’s dictionary refuses to acknowledge it as a real word, but it totally is.)

The segment ends with the solution of “compromise” and learning to meet your daughter half-way. I say hell no. I’m not a parent and I don’t know if I’ll ever have a daughter, but if I do, we’re becoming Amish. I will be the worst Amish since Brother Hezekiah Munson, but at least my daughter will be clad in black from head-to-toe. Sure, I could convert to Islam and dress her in a burkah, but Muslims have to pray five times a day. I can barely remember to brush my teeth. And they’re really strict about the rules. So are the Amish, but they seem more forgiving.

Honestly, if you’re a parent, and you’re uncomfortable with your daughter dressing like a skank, then don’t let her. You’re the adult, you have the power, and she has no money to buy these clothes on her own and she has no transportation to go to the mall and shoplift. And yeah, she’ll resent you for a little while. Guess what? Children sometimes resent their parents. It happens. She’ll resent you when you don’t get her a pony for Christmas. She’ll resent you for grounding her when she comes in past curfew. She’ll resent you when your shotgun accidentally goes off in the chest cavity of her boyfriend that you hate. You’ll never be friends with your kids. But you can be the one who protects them, supports them, and helps them to grow into decent human beings.

I Don’t Know How To Dress Myself

You would think that after 23 years on this planet, I would have some kind of fashion sense. But you’d be wrong because as my childhood friends can attest, I’ve dressed about the same way since third grade. The t-shirts may have gotten a bit more pop-culture sensative and the clothes may have gotten way bigger than what would actually fit a healthy man of my height, but the song pretty much stays the same: t-shirts and jeans.

And the sad thing is, I don’t know where to draw the line. I love stuff that references my childhood. While a simple striped shirt with slimming lines and matching colors may be fashionable appropriate, I get far more positive comments about my Back to the Future t-shirt or my Batman/Law & Order shirt (although mine is blue). Just today, I got comments on my Ice Cream Man/Ex-Con shirt and that thing has always been a hit, ever since I got it at least eight years ago (did you think I was exaggerating when I said I don’t change how I dress?). But then I look at something like this and I have to stop and think: is this too far? I loved Doug when I was a kid and I can still recall the characters and situations with frightening alacrity. But how far back am I willing to go? If I see a Chip & Dale Rescue Rangers shirt, am I gonna have to get that? What about a hat for Follow That Bird! (I probably won’t go that far; I’m not a “hat-person”)?

I also love quirky items of clothing that I know a lot of people aren’t wearing, not because they’re necessarily stupid, but because they weren’t aware of its existence. Part of me really wants to buy this tie but will it win over anyone? Sure, I find it appealing, but does that mean I can ever wear it with my Nintendo: Tech Support shirt? I think that outfit speaks for itself: “I love Nintendo waaaaay more than possibly ever having sex again!”

But I guess it all comes down to honoring myself (because a guy who owns brilliant t-shirts but can’t fit into them is all about the self-respect) and my sense of what I find comfortable, cool, and stylish. It’s impossible to keep up with trends and trying to do so just conveys a lack of personal identity. And while I may never have the most fashionable clothes, I’ve rarely felt regret over any of my purchases. So I say yes to the 8-bit tie and no to the Doug shirt simply because I feel that when it comes to Doug shirts, it can be better than a subtle reference to the The Beets. I can only hope that when it all comes together, I convey my own personality and not drip with douchebaggery like the guy in the above picture (I know he’s just modeling but if you’re wearing a tie that great, the least you can do is smile!).