GoldbergBlog

Super Villains Now Write Candy Wrappers

I was eating some of my Dove “Promises” Dark Chocolate (screw you; dark chocolate is now good for you because some study somewhere said so) and each has some tiny little platitude inside the wrapper like “Take a moment just for yourself today.”  Awww.  But if I’m sitting down eating chocolate, aren’t I already taking that moment?  I don’t think they meant, “Eat this chocolate while operating a power saw and making sure the orphans get their gruel, but make sure you take a moment for yourself at some point later in the day.”  I think it’s more like, “This chocolate is the moment you’re taking for yourself.  This candy wrapper won’t judge you.”

But I unwrap one and it has the following message: “Practice patience as a means to an end.”

Okay, it is almost impossible to say “as a means to an end”, without sounding sinister.  You could say, “I’m going to go feed the homeless…as a means to an end.”  Do you mean as an end to hunger or did you put rat poison in the soup?  I can’t tell because you used, “as a means to an end.”  In comic books, if a superhero is forced to team-up with a super villain in order to stop a greater evil, the superhero approaches it is, “I don’t like it, but I have no choice.”  The super villain says, “I will work with Green Lantern…as a means to an end.”  Super villains, when tying to take over the world, probably have the mantra, “Practice patience as a means to an end.”

This phrase was on the inside of my candy wrapper.

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