GoldbergBlog

Maybe Cain Was On To Something

Everyone knows the story of Cain and Abel: Adam and Eve do a less-than-stellar parenting job (granted, their only parental figure kicked them out of paradise for eating fruit) and one their sons ends up killing the other out of jealousy.  The lesson: love your brother.  However, I take away a different moral from this story: brotherhood is about balance.  If Abel hadn’t gone and tried to impress God, Cain wouldn’t have had to unleash some fratricide.

Balance is important between brothers and I have done my best to maintain it with mine.  I’m really into movies and he’s really into sports.  We’re both really into American History and give disturbingly similar (sometimes identical) answers when playing Loaded Questions, much to our mutual embarassment.  I get to be hilarious and he gets to be physically fit.  While his high school graduation speech caused me great consternation with its brilliant combination of wry observation, impersonations, and wearing a baseball hat with a suit, I managed to dismiss the incident as a fluke.  I was still the funniest.  I don’t have to kill him.  He just needs to go on his merry way and leave the laughs to me.

But today he posted the best commentary on the Brett Favre saga that I’ve heard in all its many weeks. There’s a line involving Outback Steakhouse and John Madden that made me laugh till I cried and then I just cried.  He had gotten…funny.  Funny was my territory.  He got to be physically fit.  That’s balance.  And since I’m getting winded just typing this, I’m afraid he’ll have to be…dealt with.  By someone else of course.  Lifting a club and beating him to death would be exhausting.  Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to take a nap and dream of my brother being dull and/or overweight.

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