Hillary Clinton Wins the Nomination (in another dimension)
Senator Clinton’s speech from last night in New York City:
Didn’t she just lose? I mean, Obama reached the magic number. He has half of all delegates plus one. She could get every remaining superdelegate and would still have fewer delegates. So…why is she talking like she won? Shouldn’t the words out of her mouth be “congratulations”? Honestly, I feel like I’m watching a speech from an alternate reality. Apparently, in this alternate reality, the person with the largest popular vote wins. I guess had Bizarro Obama known this, he may have run his campaign differently.
Also, in this alternate reality, she won the important swing states. She especially duked it out in Michigan and Florida where Obama didn’t campaign. Those are important states and the fact that Obama ignored those because he signed some silly pledge with all the other candidates just shows that he is not fit to be president in this or any other reality.
The Hillary of Earth-2 wants the people who voted for her to be counted. Apparently, nuts to the people who voted for Earth-2 Obama. They don’t count. They voted in caucuses n’ shit.
Of course, Hillary’s supporters in this strange land are also quite odd. Rather than turn the battle against John McCain and make sure that we’re not treated to four more years of failed Bush administration strategy, they want to keep fighting Obama and the DNC all the way to the convention. Or, maybe chanting “Den-ver! Den-ver!” is how they say “Wrap it up! Wrap it up!”
But the basic message of this speech seemed to be “Help me help you. Deep down in places you don’t talk about at parties, you want me on that wall; you NEED ME on that wall! Show me the money! I feel the need for speed!” Okay, I’m all out of Tom Cruise movies.
But the money quote was “I will be making no decisions tonight.” Rather than humbly accept defeat, math, and common political sense, there will be no graceful exit for Senator Clinton. I have no idea what she’s planning but I think Andrew Sullivan (who I think demonizes the Clintons to an unhealthy degree) has the best solution: make her the healthcare czar. Because she can’t be the VP. America’s not ready for that ticket and the amount of bad blood that’s been spilled during this primary season can’t be mopped up by a unity ticket.
Still, all Clinton supporters from all realities can go to HillaryClinton.com and let her know that they support her so that she can later go “Look! My supporters are supporting me! I’m not finished!”
But no matter what reality you’re from, I’m sure you were just as sickened by Clinton invoking America’s resilience after 9/11 to the resilience of her campaign.
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