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Archive for May, 2008

Me Day

Birthdays are kind of a silly ritual at first glance. We’re basically celebrating a human being’s ability to remain alive while the Earth makes one rotation around the Sun. You make it all the way around, you get a party and some cake. We’re also celebrating being one year closer to death, but that presumes you’re going to die on your birthday (I can’t decide if that would be really cool or really awful; I guess it depends on the circumstances).

Comedian Patton Oswalt says that some birthdays are fine but not all. For instance, today, my 24th birthday, would be no cause for celebration. Nothing’s changed. I can already drink, smoke, and get away with murdering a prostitute (the age limit on this varies from state to state). According to Oswalt, you get a birthday every decade, so mine wouldn’t be until I reached 30 and that would suck.

Because the truth is that birthdays aren’t a celebration of longevity or even transformation but of one’s self. It’s like having a holiday dedicated to you. None of your friends are going to be dicks to you, people are going to be extra nice and give you presents, and you will feel loved for one day before going back to the misery that is your day-to-day life. This would certainly be tiresome but it’s only once a year. And everyone should get at least one day for themselves.

Oddly enough, my birthday wasn’t supposed to be May 30th. My parents originally decided to have me emerge from my mom’s uterus on June 1st because it was an easy date to remember and a nice round number as far dates are concerned. Unfortunately, the date of June 1st was not to be. Not because my mom went into early labor or there were complications. No, you see, I was born two days early because in Minneapolis (yes, I was born in Minneapolis, Minnesota and thus will never be considered a true southerner like my brother), because the nurses were about to go on strike. I try not to be bitter about that. I prefer to think that I’ve been accommodating since birth. It’s also amusing to think that if I’m dying in a hospital (hopefully in the rather distant future), the nurses will pull the plug on me because they’re about to go on strike. And I am always left to wonder if my destiny should be to support nurses at all costs or spend my life trying to crush unions.

Being a student of history, I look to this date to see if any past events inform my personality. The following events are of note:

1431 – Joan of Arc burned at the stake (self-discovery: French BBQ is delicious)

1806 – Andrew Jackson kills Charles Dickinson in a duel after Dickinson had accused Jackson’s wife of bigamy (self-discovery: the best comeback to an insult involves a gun and twenty paces)

1883- In New York City, a rumor that the Brooklyn Bridge is going to collapse causes a stampede that crushes twelve people (self-discovery: gossip is fun!)

1896 – Howard Hawks born

1899 – Irving Thalberg born (I think these last two relate to my life in some way…I’m just not sure how…)

1951 – Stephen Tobolowsky born (self-discovery: I like knowing the names of character actors rather than just saying “Hey, it’s that guy!” although I do have a book with that title about that subject).

1958 – Ted McGinley born (self-discovery: I kill television shows but have great hair)

So what does all this mean? I have no idea. But while I try to sort that out, I’m rather happy right where I am. Life’s not perfect but it’s far better than it’s been in a long time and I aim to keep it that way (and intend to improve upon it). I’m very blessed (cinge, atheists, cringe) to have such a wonderful family and such tolerant friends (I know I’m surrounded by good people when they don’t shun me for finding this hilarious).

Thank you everyone. Now go buy me something pretty.

Friday, May 30th, 2008 humor, personal No Comments

And I Thought I Had An Awesome Job

Monday, May 26th, 2008 humor No Comments

Axe’d

Today was a day of guitar woes.

It started off as a pretty chill day. After going to Piedmont Park for a friend’s birthday party, I went back home, worked on my Final Destination 4 set visit article and then kicked back with a little Rock Band, playing the guitar on solo. Even though it’s a wired controller and not made by Red Octane (who made the controllers for the Guitar Hero games), I’ve warmed to EA’s Fender Statrocaster. I tried to ignore the conventional wisdom that they’re more fragile than a newborn baby and you’ll have to return it to EA for a new one sooner rather than later. I was just enjoying kicking back and strumming out some tunes.

So of course, today it started fucking out on me. I was playing “Go With the Flow” and going through some fast notes and the game no longer registered the strumming of the guitar. And that’s all there is to it.

But look! There’s a silver lining! While I’m waiting for my Stratocaster to return, I can go pick up Guitar Hero III which as a wireless guitar and which I wanted to pick up anyway! And that guitar works with Rock Band! Oh boy!

Oh no. I picked up GHIII and the wireless guitar, which I remember loving when I used a friend’s over at his house, is now too small and the buttons are too far apart. My Stratocaster has spoiled me. But those are minor complaints. The big complaint is the tilt sensitivity. In GHIII, it’s a hair-trigger. The guitar picks up that the Earth is rotating and thus activates Star Power, completely removing any strategy and timing in building up Star Power to deploy during a solo. But in Rock Band, I have to spaz out on the thing in order to make the game kick into Overdrive. Either way, it hurts the gameplay and it hurts my soul.

Tomorrow, GHIII goes back to Best Buy. Aside from the defective guitar, the game, were it called anything other than “Guitar Hero” would be bashed and dismissed as an imitator of the superior previous games. Song selection is such an important piece of these games. The first song in the first two sets I’m even excited to play is “Bulls on Parade”. Somehow, “Talk Dirty to Me” and “Hit Me With Your Best Shot” do absolutely nothing for me. I’m not saying Rock Band has the market cornered on great songs, but at least the majority are worth playing. It also has frequent download content, unlike Activision, who still haven’t figured out this whole durn online sales business.

Playing both games, it’s clear that the true sequel to Guitar Hero II isn’t Guitar Hero III but Rock Band. And if they hadn’t made it so easily breakable, it would also have the superior guitar.

Sunday, May 25th, 2008 videogames 1 Comment

I Can Forgive You This

Even though I posted Keith Olbermann’s condemnation of Hillary Clinton’s unfortunate comments regarding the continuing of the Democratic Presidential campaign, I do not agree with him. I understand his position but I do not share his fury. Senator Clinton has done a great many things during this campaign to raise my ire, but this isn’t one of them. I simply cannot believe that she is so evil that she would basically say, “I’m staying in this campaign because Barack Obama might get assassinated,”. I think she was pulling up a time frame and did it poorly. She was basically saying, “Bobby Kennedy was assassinated in June of 1968. You see, primaries run until June!” A cringe worthy historical reference but I think it’s getting blown out of proportion. Perhaps its the straw that breaking the camel’s back. Perhaps her unwillingness to conceded defeat and the lengths to which she’s gone to stave off that defeat have finally broken under this one comment.

But it doesn’t bother me because I don’t believe that’s what’s in Senator Clinton’s heart. I believe her willingness to win at all costs is, but not praying for that unspeakable evil upon her opponent. Check back with me in a little over a week to see if she’s able to seat Michigan and Florida as she tries to lawyer her way to a victory she didn’t earn. Then I’ll be pissed.

Saturday, May 24th, 2008 politics No Comments

Special Comment: “We Cannot Forgive You This”

Saturday, May 24th, 2008 brilliant, politics, television No Comments

Did I Just Become Credible?

/Film included a snippet of my Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull review alongside a snippet of Roger Ebert’s review of the film. I know it’s more Collider than me, but I need to remember to wake up every morning and thank Steve Weintraub for hiring me.

Monday, May 19th, 2008 criticism, movies 2 Comments