Archive for March, 2008
A World Without Honey Smacks
Specific food cravings suck. You only want one kind of food, you want it now, and nothing else will suffice. Such has been the case of the last couple weeks with me and Kellogg’s Honey Smacks. I’ve been to a Kroger, a Publix, and a Target, and nowhere is the delicious cereal of my youth to be found. It’s as if it never existed. It’s kind of creepy, actually. All the rest are there: Trix, Froot Loops, Corn Pops (if Corn Pops disappeared, I would freak the fuck out), and even sugar cereals I dared not brave, like Cocoa Puffs and Chocolate-Frosted Sugar with Marshmallows. But nowhere was my desired Honey Smacks.
Should the Cereal Gods deign to bring back Dig’Em the Frog and his delicious breakfast nourishment, I promise I will stop crossing out “Honey” and writing “Bitch” whenever I see a box on my supermarket’s shelf.
Letterman’s Top 10: So Say We All!
The fourth and final season of Battlestar Galactica premieres on April 4th so mark your frakkin’ calendars. While it’s not the funniest Top 10 list Letterman’s ever done, I found #5 particularly hilarious (don’t skip to it because it won’t make any sense). Now, The Top 10 Reasons to watch the new season of Battlestar Galactica as read by the cast of Battlestar Galactica as their characters from Battlestar Galactica.
…Battlestar Galactica.
Obama ‘08: “A More Perfect Union”
Just words? I don’t think so.
To My Drunk Irish Homies
I’d be remiss if I didn’t post this song today.
“I’m Shipping Up to Boston” by Dropkick Murphys
Videogame Logic
So I was playing Final Fantasy Tactics Advance this Saturday night because I’m such a cool, happening guy (just wait till I get my XBox 360; I’ll be spending my weekends playing Call of Duty with 12-year-olds who repeatedly call me a faggot, but the joke’s on them because I get off on having homosexual slurs hurled at me) and I reached this mission where I have to go get this airship back for a moogle. Okay, no problem. Oh, wait. One more thing: to get it, I have to fight in an area where unlike elsewhere in the game, if your characters die, they die for real (I guess they’re just knocked unconscious before or something). Good warning. But wait–I have to defeat the folks who stole the airship. So at the end of the battle, I realize I just murdered like four people for an airship. That’s unsettling.
And that’s videogame logic. It’s logic not decided so much to tell a story, but to allow for a fun game. But you just look at the world the wrong way and everything is ruined. Look at Mario: He has to go rescue the Princess from Bowser and traverse the Mushroom Kingdom to do so. Fair enough. But are all the enemies of the game part of Bowser’s army or are they just part of the natural ecosystem? Koopa Troopas are because if Bowser is King Koopa, it follows that the little turtles are his minions. But what about Goombas? Or Hammer Brothers? Or the ghosts? Yeah, all these characters will mess you up if they touch you, but in real life, so will bears, rattlesnakes, and other animals. But that doesn’t mean they’re out to get me. Do I really have to kill them all?
Of course, a lot clearly got lost in translation with Mario. Why is a plumber rescuing a princess from an giant turtle with spikes on his back? I feel like I’m missing a bit of exposition.
And yeah, a lot of people and a lot of games have gone back to try and fill in the gaps, but when you power up Super Mario Bros., you don’t get any of that. You don’t even really get what you’re going in the first place. You’re in a world full of bricks; coins are located around the world and if you get enough they give you the opportunity to come back from the dead and go back in time before you died; mushrooms make you larger and flowers make you shoot fireballs from your hands (as well as change the color of your clothes); and when you see little brown mushrooms with eyes walking towards you, you either have to jump on top of them or avoid them because if you touch them, you will leap off the screen and out of this reality. Is it just me or does anyone else think that when they decided to make this into a movie, they should have contacted David Lynch?
Election 2008: IT NEVER ENDS.
I’m really pissed at Ohio and Texas right now. They had a chance to end all of this. This wasn’t like Super Tuesday where 22 states kept it going. But Ohioans and Texans knew it was all on them and they said, “Clinton!” Maybe it was the awesome power of fear of her 3AM ad. Maybe it was the people of Ohio being too stupid to see that not only was Obama NOT a Muslim (and that even if he was, that doesn’t make him a terrorist), but that Clinton constantly supported NAFTA which had left their state economically fucked. If the saying of “As goes Ohio, so goes the nation,” holds true, then I’m out of here. New Zealand sounds nice.It’s not that I’m an Obama supporter. I am. But nor am I a Hillary-hater. Yes, I find her tactics distasteful and I think the “New Democrat”-identity of her and her husband is really just code for “Republican-lite,” I’m not depressed because she won. I’m depressed because now this primary will continue till at least April 22nd and the Pennsylvania primary. And I’m not exactly sure what’s most depressing about that. I’ll lay it out multiple-choice style:
a. The media coverage which will continue to show us how they’re easily manipulated and highly inept.
b. That no matter who gets the Democratic nomination, John McCain just gets to sit back and watch his potential opponent torn down by their Democratic rival and build his ammunition for the general election. Hillary’s already helped him on that front by saying that both her and McCain have more experience than Obama. That was stupid no matter how you slice it.
c. We’re going to endure seven weeks of ugly mud-slinging.
d. More goddamn debates.
e. All of the above.
[If you flip to the back of the book, you'll see that the answer is 'e']
If guys like Al Gore, Joe Biden, and John Edwards were real leaders, they would all unite behind one candidate and make sure this ends as soon as possible. I would prefer that candidate to be Barack Obama, but it would be so Democrats to pick Clinton and thus lose the general election. And don’t tell me that she’ll pick Obama as her running mate. Chris Rock’s logic still holds that you won’t ever see a black vice president if the president is white. Why? “Because some black guy would just shoot the president, that’s why! What are you gonna do? Send me to jail with a bunch of black guys that treat me like a hero for the rest of my life?” I don’t care if it’s a comedy sketch. That’s bulletproof logic.
Will Arnett Sex Tape
“All this talk about abortions is making me super-wet.”
No, John McCain
From The Huffington Post:
John McCain went back to the future last night suggesting that an old anti-drug program should be revived to stem demand for illegal drugs.
“We’re creating a demand here in the United States. We all know that,” McCain said at a town hall meeting in Waco.
“Now maybe we ought to go back to - remember when Nancy Reagan used to have a program called ‘Just Say No’ and it had some effect?
Part of me just wants to just get high right now so I can spite John McCain AND Nancy Reagan.
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