T-Shirt Mockery

I was reading Nicky’s Shrinking Pants Bulge by CHUD‘s always-hilarious Nick Nunziata today and because it led me to two must-buy purchases, I thought I would try to re-pay the favor by trying to suggest some cool things to him. Unfortunately, it led me to this article which showcases some of the worst hipster-retro-wear has to offer.

Your Shirt Is Not a Treatise

I like reading a funny shirt as much as the next guy who also likes to read funny shirts, but I’m not going to stare at your chest for five minutes trying to read off every joke that references my knowledge of Zelda or Mario. I will only stare at your chest for five minutes if you have a terrific rack, and in that case, I’m not going to be reading your shirt, although you will have provided me with the perfect excuse to stare and get away with it. But no shirt should have this much writing.

Sad Is Not The New Funny

You did not score with the princess. You’ve never scored with anyone or even anything. Your advances are rejected by inanimate objects. And Mario never scores with the Princess. He risks his life to save her, defeats the dinosaur-turtle hybrid who kidnapped her, and she bakes him a cake. Now that may be symbolic, but it may just be cake. Delicious, delicious cake. In any event, wearing this shirt suggests that while you may “score with the princess”, you should also buy a shirt that says “I will die alone,”