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I was reading Nicky’s Shrinking Pants Bulge by CHUD’s always-hilarious Nick Nunziata today and because it led me to two must-buy purchases, I thought I would try to re-pay the favor by trying to suggest some cool things to him. Unfortunately, it led me to this article which showcases some of the worst hipster-retro-wear has to offer.

Your Shirt Is Not a Treatise

I like reading a funny shirt as much as the next guy who also likes to read funny shirts, but I’m not going to stare at your chest for five minutes trying to read off every joke that references my knowledge of Zelda or Mario. I will only stare at your chest for five minutes if you have a terrific rack, and in that case, I’m not going to be reading your shirt, although you will have provided me with the perfect excuse to stare and get away with it. But no shirt should have this much writing.

Sad Is Not The New Funny

You did not score with the princess. You’ve never scored with anyone or even anything. Your advances are rejected by inanimate objects. And Mario never scores with the Princess. He risks his life to save her, defeats the dinosaur-turtle hybrid who kidnapped her, and she bakes him a cake. Now that may be symbolic, but it may just be cake. Delicious, delicious cake. In any event, wearing this shirt suggests that while you may “score with the princess”, you should also buy a shirt that says “I will die alone,”

Multiple Choice Question

What is the lamest thing about this T-shirt?

a. It promotes Gizmo, the cutest but least interesting of all the Gremlins
b. It uses out-of-date urban slang
c. It’s “vintage”
d. All of the above

I could go on and on and on, but thankfully, I don’t have to.

Tags: fashion, humor, stupid by Matt
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Thank God for Tom Tancredo. I was getting depressed at the thought of Hillary Clinton winning the Democratic nomination and the support for Ron Paul who is only successful because the Republican field is so awful and in a world of unprincipled schmucks who want to be Bush III, his ridiculous principles are appealing (To note: I don’t think Ron Paul is a bad guy; I just think he would make a bad president although he couldn’t be any worse than our current one; I can’t say that about Rudy Guiliani). But along comes Tom Tancredo and this awe-inspiring political ad:

I couldn’t make this up. Well, I could, but it would be an exaggerated parody. But Tancredo has no time for subtlety and innuendo. The only thing I know about Tancredo is that he hates fucking immigrants. He hates immigrants more than AIDS, cancer, and Taco Bell combined.

It’s a strategy that hasn’t really caught on as he’s still serving as window dressing to the first and second-tier candidates. So the question is how to co-opt his opponents’ strategy of trying to win by scaring the American public shitless while still showing that he hates immigrants? This ad shows how it’s done. For you see, immigrants just aren’t filthy Mexicans stealing our jobs. They’re also crazy Jihadists with hooded sweatshirts and backpacks. If you see a guy in a hoodie and he sits on a bench and sets his bag down beside him RUN FOR YOUR LIFE.

…before it’s too late. I’ve never been threatened by a political ad point blank. Thank you, Tom Tancredo. You have proven yourself batshit insane enough to run a country. Not our country. That requires a deft hand of insanity. But I’m sure there are plenty of non-western countries in turmoil that would be happy to have you. And hey, if you go there, you won’t have to worry about Mexicans.

Tags: humor, politics, stupid by Matt
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I’ve been reluctant to post about the writers strike not because I disagree with their cause (on the contrary; I wholeheartedly support it), but because I feel that my five readers wouldn’t care not because they’re indifferent to the situation, but because that’s just not their beat. It may affect their favorite shows, but right now they can’t really see the effects in their day-to-day lives. And if there’s no new television, I know that my friends (the only ones who read this self-indulgent thought-manifest) are eclectic and worldly enough to find other ways to spend their time. They’ll miss their shows but they won’t be lost without Lost.

But because I care, I’m going to provide periodic updates on the strike. And before I go any further, I want to show you this video that breaks down the issues behind the strike without any of the mind-bending complexities of legalese and accounting. It’s well written, as it should be.

After seeing this, some of you may say, “Well that’s awfully one-sided,” Well you’re not wrong. But the other side is one of flimsy reasoning. The studios are arguing that times are tight and so they can’t give the 4% increase on DVD sales. They studios also argue that because Internet technology is so new, it’s impossible to know how much revenue new media can yield. Neither is a particularly persuasive argument.

Now some have responded that this is a matter of greed on the part of the writers. Successful writers make a lot of money for doing something that they love and asking any more than that is unacceptable.

1) Yes, there are super successful writers. But they represent a small fraction of WGA membership. And even taking a moment to ignore all the unemployed writers, most successful writers, and by that I mean writers who have steady work on a popular show (and it’s really the TV writers we’re talking about right now because it’s doubtful that we’ll get to Summer 2008 and the writers will still be on strike and we’ll never seen any new movies from 2009 up until the situation is resolved). These writers can still be categorized as middle-class to upper-middle class. Remember that they have to work in and around Los Angeles and New York City to make their shows and neither is a cheap place to live. While their income may afford them a higher standard of living in a smaller city, they couldn’t do the job that provides them the income in the first place.

2) If we’re going to start leveling charges of “greed” then how can we ignore the studio heads. If any of the studio heads (and let’s name names: Anne Sweeney of ABC, Kevin Reilly of Fox, Bruce Rosenblum of Warner Bros, Phillipe Dauman of Viacom, Les Moonves of CBS, and Jeff Zucker of NBC) made what the richest of the screenwriters made, they’d kill themselves. Compared to what these guys make and will continue to make, what the writers are asking for is a pittance.

What finally provided the tipping point for me in writing up a post on the strike is a story in the New York Times, reporting that Fox and CBS will be bringing legal action against various show runners for breach of contract. This is the equivalent of shitting in an open wound and thinking it will heal when it will actually just create instant pus. It’s this antagonist strong-arming that created the strike in the first place and legal action isn’t going to get anyone to cave.

There is a downside to the strike and it’s far worse than no new episodes of The Office. Everyone else on every other show is pretty much getting laid off. So the strike is having a ripple effect on pretty much every working crew member in television. This is just creating an inevitable but still regrettable amount of animosity. The only question is where that hate is gonna be directed. It need to go to the studios, not just because they’re in the wrong, but because Hollywood is a union town and today it’s the writers fighting for their fair share but tomorrow it may be the cinematographers and the day after that it may be hair and make-up. The writers are a guild whose power is only surpassed by the Screen Actors Guild and the Directors Guild. If the studios break the writers strike, then they’ve effectively broke every potential strike of any weaker union.

As more noteworthy developments occur, I’ll be sure to post about them. In the meantime, if you want to stay up-to-the-minute with the strike, then check out Nikke Finke’s blog, Deadline Hollywood Daily. While her blog tends to suck when covering Hollywood when it’s business-as-usual, her coverage of the writers’ strike is second-to-none. You can also stay informed on the strike’s official blog, United Hollywood.

Tags: movies, television by Matt
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After finishing A.J. Jacobs’s The Year of Living Biblically (I also met Jacobs last night and he’s a super-nice and funny guy), I have to say that I’m a bit more accepting of Evangelical Christians. Yes, I think they’re ridiculous for thinking that the Earth is only 6,000 years old. Yes, I think they’re willfully ignorant for denying evolution. Yes, I think they look silly when they speak in tongues. But now I appreciate that they’re not just a monolithic group that’s ruining our country. I especially like the “Red-Letter Christians” who actually adhere to the acts and words of Jesus, like fighting poverty and showing compassion, rather than pushing a hateful political agenda and then hiding behind the Bible.

But sometimes Christianity can be really fucking stupid (as can all religions) as it is in the case of Georgia Governor Sonny Perdue. First off, I’m wholly against electing anyone named Sonny to any office. The only thing guys named Sonny can do is to die horribly at toll booths. But he’s the Governor of my home state of Georgia and I have to live with that. And I also have to live with how he plans to respond to our drought.

Yes, Georgia is in a drought right now and it makes me feel guilty every time I use water. If I were Governor, I would fight a drought by trying to build reservoirs, aqueducts, irrigation; anything that utilizes the advancements of civilization. And civilization has come up with some good solutions because humans need water. We may need to boil it or treat it somehow, but we need it. And preferably in bottles that cost $1.09. But Governor Perdue has decided to eschew thousands of years of human ingenuity and return to basics: he’s going to pray for rain.

Let me say that again: he’s going to pray for rain.

I don’t know which is worse: taking the time to pray for rain when that time could be spent trying to find solutions to our water shortage or rallying your Conservative Christian voters in a cynical ploy to exploit a serious crisis in exchange for their constant support. No wait. The second one is definitely worse.

Look, if you want to pray on your own time, great. Go nuts. But when you want to rally your Christian base and pray on the steps of the Capitol because “Fuck it, what else can you do?” then I weep for my state. And then I quit weeping and say that shit like this wouldn’t happen if you fucking morons didn’t re-elect this chump last year. Also, if conservatives weren’t so busy denying Global Warming, maybe they wouldn’t have to pray for rain. You may believe in the power of prayer, but you know what I believe? Taking action.

In the end, all I can think of is the following parable:

There once was a flood and everyone had reached safety except for one man. He climbed to the top of his house with the water lapping at his feet.

A helicopter flew over his head and hung down a rope for him to climb, but the man was deeply religious and said, “It’s alright! The Lord will save me!” So the helicopter flew away.

The water continued to rise and a boat came to him but, once again, the man shouted, “No! Go AWAY! the Lord will come and save me!” and the boat sped off.

The water was getting dangerously deep by now so the helicopter came back and, on cue, the man repeated, “I don’t need saving! My Lord will come,” Reluctantly, the helicopter left.

The rain continued to pour, the water continued to rise, and the man drowned.

At the gates of heaven, the man met St. Peter. Confused, he asked, “Peter, I have lived the life of a faithful man - why did my Lord not rescue me?”

St. Peter replied, “For pity sake! He sent you two helicopters and a boat!”

Tags: politics, religion, stupid by Matt
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Part 1:

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bsM0VUVEZJ8]

Part 2:

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WyPpuXzccH8]

Tags: brilliant, politics, television by Matt
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The following is a video of a young man beating DragonForce’s “Through the Fire and the Flames” on Expert in Guitar Hero III:

There are some funny things about this video:

1.) I see a bunch of dudes in what’s clearly a dorm room. Way too many guys to be populating a tiny dorm room at one time.

2.) The guy playing the song smashes on the strum button like it’s freaking teletype.

3.) I see too many backward ballcaps (More than zero is too many unless it’s during a baseball game or post-game celebration).

4.) At around 6:40, these guys start holding hands.

5.) At around 7:16, one of the guys exclaims “Jesus Christ!” and it sounds like when Mr. Slave says it on South Park.

6.) Their school is Dallas Baptist University so they’re all going to hell, not just for the hand-holding, but for playing and worshiping Satan’s music.

This kind of behavior can only lead to Bro Rape.

Tags: humor, videogames by Matt
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I was reading A.J. Jacobs The Year of Living Biblically and as he attempts to follow the rules of the Bible as strictly as possible, he comes upon the problem of lust. As all good books do (and this one is great), it got me thinking: Yes, our culture is inundated with sexual imagery. But at the same time, am I not allowed to appreciate it? Jacobs, attempting to follow his massively researched understanding of the Bible, tries to avoid sexual imagery whenever possible (which is especially difficult considering his job at Esquire magazine) and I just don’t understand this kind of sexual avoidance. I don’t understand why lust is necessarily a bad thing.

I do think it’s a bad thing when, in the presence of someone you find sexually attractive, you don’t look at them, but you leer at them (concept totally stolen from ViolentAcres). You’re not appreciating what turns you on about them but rather how what turns you on about them serves your sexual needs. And in the presence of a flesh and blood human being, when so much more than their looks is available for you to discover, you’re really just shortchanging yourself and the other person by only considering the physical.

But there is something to be said for the physical. I frequent sites that showcase naked women and I stopped feeling creepy about it when I realized that I wasn’t filing this material way in a spank bank but that I could appreciate and discern what was attractive about these women. They were models and they were naked and as a modern, mature adult, I didn’t giggle or slobber but decided which ones were too plastic and which ones had that most crucial element in their photos: personality. My heart beats faster at the faintest glimpse that this woman isn’t a statue but a three-dimensional person who will forever hold her secrets within the photo (these photos tend not to be the of the sexually explicit variety; sexually explicit photographs usually don’t have a lot of secrets).

Now you’re probably already gagging and enraged because I’ve referred to women as “ones”. I’ve sexually objectified them. To that I simply respond, “You’re absolutely right.” When it comes to photographs, everything is an object. The photographer and the subject can go to great lengths to create a sense of personality, but it’s incredibly difficult to have a conversation with a photo. When looking at a photo, it’s difficult to understand the depth of a model’s hopes, dreams, likes, and dislike and why she’s not just a still life. But that doesn’t mean I can’t appreciate a woman’s physical beauty. Not define her by it or reduce her solely to it, but to simply appreciate it. And women can feel the same way towards an image of an attractive man. However, they probably don’t because while men initially respond to the physical, women are more stimulated by the mental/emotional. That’s why you can see some schlub on the arm of a beautiful woman but a woman considered to be generally unattractive will stay at home eating a pint of Haggen-Dazs and watching the Lifetime network (and hey, the only thing wrong with that is the Lifetime network; crappy TV isn’t going to make you feel any better).

So I don’t understand why we feel like we have to turn away. I don’t understand why fundamentalist religions like Judaism and Islam feel the need to hide the beauty of their women. Does it make the men feel weak? Does it make the women feel powerful? Or does constant sexual repression require the need for further repression lest a drop of sexuality leads to a torrent of uncontrollable lust? I don’t get it. And I don’t think anyone should feel ashamed for appreciating the beauty of anyone or anything. Whether you go overboard and become a slobbering monkey is entirely dependent on the individual, not the model.

Tags: hotness, religion by Matt
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The Bush Administration has two dominant attitudes: arrogance and incompetence. Yesterday we got a heave dose of the former as Premier Bush decided to compare Democrats to Nazi and Communist appeasers. Apparently, our “inaction” will lead to terrible consequences. And Bush would know all about inaction. Remember Katrina? Judging by his last State of the Union address, Bush certainly doesn’t.

I’m surprised Bush can walk properly with the gigantic balls required to act as if he’s in any position to make demands. A guy with a 24% approval rating doesn’t get to demand that Congress confirm Michael “I-can’t-say-waterboarding-is-torture-because-then-I-won’t-get-the-job” Mukasey as Attorney General. A guy who lied us into a war (And it was a lie; they cherry-picked the intelligence that served the interest of his neo-conservative cabinet and base) does not get to ask for more money on unsuccessful wars as the blatant theft and corruption by contractors and war profiteers sink us further into debt while soldiers still lack the necessary body armor and vehicle protection. A guy who has never had to want for anything in his life does not get to tell Congress that we can’t afford the $10 billion to provide healthcare to sick kids but wants billions more to keep us in an endless war we won’t win.

That’s right, ladies and gentlemen: we can’t win in Iraq. We can’t force Democracy on a country that doesn’t want it and right now, it’s tribal warfare. They could give a shit about representative government. They want each other dead because their pea-sized brains can’t get past a centuries old religious debate. And I’m not saying that all Iraqis are either insane fundamentalist Shia or insane fundamentalist Sunni. The reasonable people have already abandoned the country. They’re now refugees because they would rather survive than risk their lives in our Middle East experiment. And why should they? Saddam Hussein was an awful dictator, but we’ve simply replaced organized horror with chaotic horror. And they never asked for our help nor did they have anything to do with the terrorist attacks of 9/11. Fifteen of the nineteen hijackers were from Saudi Arabia but that seems like the only Middle Eastern country we won’t attack.

And now these war hawks want to move into Iran? You have to earn Iran. But this is how Bush operates. He never ran a successful business, but every time he failed, his daddy just gave him a new one. There were never any consequences for past actions and there never will be. After he’s out of office (and I wouldn’t put it past him to bomb Iran on his way out), he’ll just “refill the ol’ coffers” with speaking engagements at places like The American Enterprise Institute and Regent University.

Most days, I just let Bush’s incompetence and douchebaggery wash over me like a scorching hot day. You can’t scream at the sun for being hot so you may as well just go inside, turn up the AC, and try to forget about it. But then there are times like these where he tries to bully Congress and the American people into doing things his way or else he’ll whine and cry and call them stupid doo-doo heads. At times likes these, I pass my breaking point and have to verbally spank this petulant child of a president.

Tags: politics, stupid by Matt
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Sweeter than all that Halloween candy:

American Gangster (9.8 out of 10)
The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford (9.7 out of 10)
Bee Movie (9.5 out of 10)
Before the Devil Knows You’re Dead (8.6 out of 10)
The Darjeeling Limited (8.4 out of 10)
Enchanted (9.1 out of 10)
Lars and the Real Girl (9.5 out of 10)
Lions for Lambs (1.0 out of 10)
Sleuth (8.2 out of 10)

Tags: movies by Matt
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Dressing up for Halloween is fun! However, age is a factor. For instance, if you’re six and you dress up as Hermione Granger from Harry Potter, you look like this:

Awwwwwwwww.

However, if you’re sixteen and you dress up as Hermione Granger from Harry Potter, you look like this:

Awwwwwwwww.

I’m just kidding. There’s no way that second girl is sixteen or else I’m totally going to jail.

Tags: humor by Matt
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