Entries Tagged as ''

He Is IRON MAN

While it doesn’t tickle me quite as much as the bootleg Comic Con trailer (which is no longer on YouTube because Paramount doesn’t like free publicity) because it lacks a guy learning that trying to shoot Iron Man in the back of the head is one of the worst ideas you can ever have, this new trailer makes a pretty great case for why Iron Man is one of the top ten films to watch in 2008 and possibly the best debut for a superhero since Spider-Man (click the image to go to the official trailer page).

NASA: Needs Awesome Slogan, ASAP

So apparently NASA, a legion of rocket-scientists, need OUR help with creating a new slogan because apparently, just because something ain’t rocket science, doesn’t mean they can solve it on their own. I can’t believe the guys who put a man on the moon need to turn to the same audience as the producers of Transformers in order to appeal to the masses (because as you know, every single person who was working at NASA in 1969, is still working there today; they’ve evolved beyond age but they won’t tell us how…nerdy bastards).

So far, the top slogans are “All Your Space Are Belong To Us” and “NASA: Billions of Dollars Spent and Still No Death Star,” (to which I would ad, “That We Know Of,”)

So far the best I’ve come up with is “NASA: Fuck Yeah!”

I can’t believe I haven’t become more successful as a writer.

Special Comment: "You are playing us!"

I had to admire someone like Keith Olbermann who can still get mad at this President, not on the basis of party affiliation or because vitriol is in his job description (as in the case of most pundits), but because he genuinely feels outrage. Personally, I can’t muster any more rage towards Bush because I would burst into flames. There’s just so much about this pathetic excuse for a man and his sorry bunch of cronies that he calls his administration that is worthy of complete and utter disdain but after seven years of his nonsense, it cease to surprise and therefore, has ceased to enrage. I’m not apathetic on the matter but for me, to chastise this President and his administration would be about as useful as yelling at a wall. Actually, that’s not fair. The wall has a better chance of listening. But Olbermann, in his great tradition, delivers his most fiery sermon to date and it’s a good marker that while this President is always set to “Fuck-Up” sometimes he goes and outdoes himself.

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jzg1aVHU2Jk]

Pod-dammit.

I’m a fan of the iPod. Some of my more tech savvy friends may decry my choice of MP3 player but they don’t read this blog so fuck them!

Do I seem in a foul mood? If so, here’s why: My faithful 4th Generation iPod died on me back at the beginning of August. I’d had it since Summer of 2004 and the poor little baby just couldn’t hold a charge any more. Sure, it would charge, but when you watch your entire battery diminish after just half an hour of use, that battery ain’t working like it’s supposed to. Now I knew that a new iPod was on the horizon. The problem was that it was on the horizon since May 2006. I thought it would be a pretty sweet graduation present. I thought wrong (I got my laptop instead, which was still awesome; thanks, Mom!). And so eventually all the rumors became just that: rumors. Sure, the iPhone came out and there was an argument to be made that it was just a matter of time before Apple made an iPhone without the Phone. But then there was the counter-argument that Apple didn’t want a new iPod cutting into the iPhone sales. That may be a very shitty argument, but it’s what I heard.

But then a couple weeks ago, Apple made an announcement that they would be having a little press conference on September 5th. And all the gadget sites said it would be for new iPods. What specifically, no one knew, but it would be for new iPods.

So I’m checking Engadget’s liveblog about the event.

New ringtones for iPhone. Don’t have an iPhone–don’t care.

New iPod Nano. Looks crappy–don’t care.

New prices for what is now dubbed the “iPod Classic”. The 80GB model is now $250, which is what I paid less than a month ago for the 30GB model. Fuck me.

But Mr. Jobs isn’t done taking a torque wrench to the nipples of my soul. He’s got the “iPod Touch”. Like the iPhone, but thinner. And an iPod. And it has Wifi. And a Safari web-browser. And YouTube. And an iTunes store. And 22 hours audio and 5 hours of video. And if you get near a Starbucks, and that Starbucks happens to be playing a song you like, the option will come up to download that song. Oh wait, that last feature sucks. However, I did learn that Starbucks opens seven stores every day and all of them sell overpriced, crappy-tasting beverages. Thanks, Starbucks.

My only solace is that it costs $299 for the 8GB model and $399 for the 16GB model. If you have videos…that’s not great.

But apparently, if you got an 8GB iPhone, you’re gonna taste defeat as well because they’re slashing the price down to $399 because Steve thinks it will make a great stocking stuffer. And if you’re stockings are made out of gold and your name’s written out in diamonds, then yes, it will make a nice stocking stuffer.

Oh, and still no Beatles catalog. Well, at least my brother will finally be getting a new iPod so good for him.

A Website At The Nexus of Time

Did you know that according to the Bible, it’s okay for parents to arrange marriages for their daughters? Even better, depending on the age of consent laws in your state, you can totally marry someone who would otherwise be totally illegal. Thank Christ we didn’t let the gays have marriage.

But where and how can I possibly marry off my adolescent daughter without coming off as incredibly creepy in this godless age we live in? Well, I guess modernity isn’t totally awful because with the advent of the Internet, I can marry off my underage daughter to anyone in the United States! Thanks, Internet!

MarryOurDaughter.com is unreal. Seriously, I keep looking for the “Gotcha!” and part of the site where they say “Of course this isn’t real! That would be fucking terrible!” But it is nowhere to be found. What is to be found, is the testimonials section, which contains glorious customer satisfaction such as this:

“At first we were worried that Janine was too young to get married, but then her new husband bought her a house and a car and jewelry and the money we got let us buy a house for ourselves. Getting out of the trailer park at our age was the best thing that ever happened to us, and it’s all thanks to Marry Our Daughter!”

That can’t be real. People in trailer parks don’t have access to the Internet, right? And how do they decide on the price? Who the fuck are these people? Of course, the site could only ever appeal to the richest of pedophiles. Also, none of these girls go for more than $100,000. I guess none of their parents were willing to dream the impossible dream that their daughter may be worth more than a luxury car. And you gotta feel bad for the girls who don’t even make it past $10,000.

I think I’m headed to jail just looking at this site. Look at the hidden keywords at the bottom of the page (Ctrl+A, scroll down, turn stomach).

I Would Bathe In This

I know this parody of energy drink ads has been around for a few months, but I just saw it and I just have to say that based on this fake ad, I would replace my blood with this substance. And I don’t even like energy drinks.

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qRuNxHqwazs]

Losing Profits For The Sheinhardt Wig Company

This past week, NBC announced it would not be renewing it’s contract with Apple’s iTunes store. While it’d be nice to know who is responsible for this monumentally bone-headed decision, I imagine it’s a conglomerate of lawyers, accountants, and executives who were likely profiting (they never would have bothered to be the first network to sign up with iTunes video (after ABC, of course) if it didn’t mean they’d profit) but decided they could be making that ever-elusive, oh-so-sexy “more“. But iTunes didn’t want to create a confusing pricing scheme and it doesn’t do the Apple Store any good if people are complaining about over-priced product. You can tell them that all the other shows are still $1.99, but people will keep whining about the three dollar jump for a half-hour episode of The Office. And while I believe that The Office is worth every penny, $4.99 for twenty-two episodes adds up over the course of a television season ($109.78, to be exact).

The
Internet has been aflame with this news, almost to the point where I thought a blog entry would be superfluous since others had already covered it so well and so much better. But looking around (and by looking around, I mean whatever Digg and Reddit brought to my attention), I saw that while people were definitely picking up on how NBC was in for a world of lost-profits and higher rates of piracy and they deserved the utmost condemnation for their rejection of new media in distributing their shows, I realized that no one was talking about the shows.

Do you love The Office? I know I do. Once Arrested Development went off the air (a show I honestly believe could have been saved by Internet distribution), The Office became the funniest show on television. Even if AD were still on the air, it would have stiff competition from the crew of Dunder-Mifflin. But without iTunes, there would be no Office. The problem is that most shows don’t explode right from the pilot. In fact, the pilot tends to be the worst episode because it has to serve up a ton of exposition and set up the world. The only show I can recall in recent memory with a killer pilot was Lost and that was a show that was trying to obfuscate and confuse rather than lay down all the rules of the world and the series. The Office had a tremendously difficult first season as it struggled to find the right tone and step out from the shadow of its British fore-runner of the same name. Unless they’re really fascinated by the premise, really love the cast, and really see the potential, viewers don’t want to fight for a show. They don’t want to make an appointment to sit down in front of their television and support a show that may not last longer than a month. Sure, they can use a DVR (if they have one) and record the show but it’s still taking time to sit down in front of the TV when they may want to be out with friends. Isn’t it better to be able to download shows and watch them on the go?

Furthermore, the iTunes store offers shows in such an easy to find form and relatively-high quality download, that it does something the limited power of television couldn’t do before: give audiences a chance to see a new show. I watched the first couple episodes of 30 Rock and while I thought it was funny, I didn’t think it was anything special. It wasn’t until the iTunes store offered the episode “The Rural Juror” for free that I watched the show in its groove and saw how painfully funny it was. This is the show I was hoping it would evolve into but I didn’t have the patience to wait and see if and when that transformation would occur. Earlier this week, I bought Friday Night Lights, a show that I never would have paid a second glance if not for the critical adulation and the opportunity to download the pilot episode for free.

Yes, NBC offered episodes of these shows for free from their own website, but the poor quality of streaming downloads coupled with ads made this option less preferable, especially when I couldn’t save these episodes to my computer to watch at my leisure. There’s no wi-fi on most airplanes and I’ve needed my iPod Video many times to get me through the long flights and entertain me with TV episodes.

Apple has already stated that they will not carry any of NBC’s new episodes of the fall season because they’d have to cut off midway through the season when the contract expires in December. So are shows like Chuck, Bionic Woman, Journeyman, and Life all going to find their audience? Of course not, and it’s going to be even more difficult by closing down a proven source of revenue.

I understand that NBC wants more money. They’re a business and their business model is changing right before their eyes and they don’t know how to embrace the technology that’s going to force them to either adapt or suffer (I would say “die” but I don’t think NBC is going anywhere for a while). Yes, it would be nice if Apple allowed them to jack the prices for their shows, but in their quest to get more, NBC is going to come out with much less.

NBC. Apple. Come back to the table, renew the existing contract and be smart about this so we can all end up winners. Especially me, since I want to be able to legally download new episodes of The Office.

Reviewgasm

Waaaay better than the similarly-name “Tourgasm” and with 100% less Dane Cook.

3:10 to Yuma

Balls of Fury
The Hunting Party
In The Valley of Elah
The Invasion
The King of Kong: A Fistful of Quarters
The Kingdom
The Nanny Diaries
Resurrecting The Champ
Shoot ‘Em Up