GoldbergBlog

Kingdom Broken Hearts

I’ve been keeping abreast (tee hee! breasts!) of this year’s Tokyo Game Show because, well, the alternative would be launching into apoplectic rage over shit like this.

Square-Enix announced that they would be launching not one, not two, but three spinoffs from the Kingdom Hearts series. I think Kingdom Hearts is pretty great and while among friends the sequel isn’t as popular as the original, I think they’re both pretty great. Heck, I even bought Kingdom Hearts: Chain of Memories because I was so hard up for some more of the KH world. The GBA title turned out to be crap and not long after beating the game (both Sora and Riku’s stories), it found it’s way into a cabinet only to be removed as I sold it off to Gamestop.

Unfortunately, Square-Enix thought they must have struck gold with that game because everything they’re launching that’s KH-related is portable and has the worst-sounding titles. First up there’s Kingdom Hearts: 358/2 Days. Apparently, calling it 179 Days just sounded gay. Released for the DS, the story is supposed to follow Roxas during the same time that Sora was card-battling his way through Chain of Memories. It’s an Action-RPG and I don’t care. Nothing against Roxas, but were fans really that desperate to know what Roxas was up to?

Apparently not as desperate as they were for Kingdom Hearts: Birth by Sleep (Who the shit is naming these games?!) which follows the three keyblade warriors from the secret ending of KH2 and this story takes place before the first Kingdom Hearts. If the characters go into the world of Song of the South, I will recant all criticism always and forever.

The last game and the only one with an even somewhat acceptable title is Kingdom Hearts: Coded. Unfortunately, it’s only for mobile phones and it focuses on King Mickey using a virtual Sora to move blocks. Thank Christ, my life is now complete.

Apparently Square-Enix really does think that the Kingdom Hearts franchise is their new Final Fantasy in that if they slap the title on it, people will buy it, regardless of how shitty or unnecessary it is. Correct me if I’m wrong, but wasn’t the combining of a Square aesthetic with the Disney world while utilizing a solid gameplay system what made the original games worthwhile? Instead of dicking around with three worthless spinoffs, why not just make Kingdom Hearts 3 for the PlayStation 3? What, are you worried you’re not going to be sell the game in the crowded PS3 marketplace?

But then again, this is from a company that can’t seem to understand that they could remake Final Fantasy VII every year for a different console and sell a billion copies each time.

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