GoldbergBlog

I’m always trying to find a better way to lead my life. I’m overweight, in debt, and single, so clearly, there’s room for improvement. So whenever there’s a story on Digg about how to improve your life, I check it out. Over at LifeRemix, they’ve put together 100 tips for better living so Martha Stewart can go choke on her potpourri. In reading the first story on 27 tips for keeping your house in order, I realized that that good advice is helpful, but bad advice can be downright hilarious. Let’s run, the list, shall we?

1. never buy “souvenirs.”

You have your memories and that’s all you need. Why take a memento of a great trip that may be part of a great story when you can instead of the wonder of EMPTY SPACE. Which brings us to tip #2.

2. somewhere, keep an entirely empty shelf or drawer.

Nothing says “Fuck you, practicality,” than an empty shelf or drawer. Sometimes I go to The Container Store, buy big old tubs, and just leave them empty.

3. strive to keep surfaces bare. Put away kitchen appliances you don’t use every day; don’t cram stuff onto every ledge.

4. get rid of newspapers and magazines as soon as possible. Never keep a newspaper overnight, and never keep a magazine for more than two months—unless you find a positive joy in keeping an orderly collection.

5. have an exact place for everything.

6. know where to give things away: books, clothes, kitchenware, toys. It’s much easier to get rid of things if you can imagine who will benefit. Figure this out before you start a major clutter-clearing effort.

7. fight the piles that accumulate in the hallway, in corners, on bedside tables, on the dining room table.

If the piles fight back, you have a poltergeist. Act accordingly.

8. use dimmer switches.

Except on fans which will most likely cause an electrical fire. But other than that, super advice.

9. don’t buy things on impulse, particularly from bargain stores.

That pack of gum from the drug store will haunt you till the day you die.

10. storing a thing means you don’t need to use it. So before you squirrel something away, ask yourself, “Do I really need to keep this?”

Don’t need clothes, don’t need food, don’t need dead hookers. So Captain Magic, those appliances I stored, I don’t need. And if I’m trying to keep surfaces clean, where exactly does my stuff go?

11. never accept anything for free, unless you’re thrilled with it. A mug, a tote bag, a hand-me-down toy, the lamp from your mother-in-law–if you don’t need it, don’t take it.

I get a bit of free stuff on the junkets I attend. I was unaware that the correct response to Universal giving me a Bourne Ultimatum jacket was “Fuck you, don’t clutter my life.”

12. According to “broken windows theory,” signs of decay like broken windows or graffiti create an atmosphere that contributes to larger crime. Burnt-out light bulbs and empty toilet-paper holders are the broken windows of the home; don’t tolerate them.

Alright, this point I actually agree with.

13. have enough hangers in every closet.

14. make your bed every morning.

15. keep your keys in the same place each day.

On the outside of the front door. Check.

16.every night before bed, do a tidy-up to put away everything that’s out of place.

Yeah, because when I’m tired, I’m an organizing machine.

17. if you have stacks of unopened CDs, unread books, unwatched videos of PBS series, or unopened spice jars, don’t let yourself buy any more until you’ve made a dent in what you already have.

But only PBS series. Let all other videos (and you’re using videos and not DVDs, right? Good.) pile high.

18. don’t let yourself run out of necessities like envelopes, tape, toothpaste, stamps, Band-aids, batteries, and the like. If you hate to shop, buy large quantities and stockpile them.

Ah, so the empty drawer is for the industrial-sized toothpaste from Costco. Now I understand.

19. don’t hoard huge quantities of things that you could never use up: binder clips, rubber bands, clay pots, florist vases, plastic grocery bags. Give the rest away.

To whom? Who is so poor and so unorganized that they’re like “Man, I wish I could get some clay pots and some rubber bands, but who can afford such luxuries?”

20. hang up your coat (this is probably the rule I personally violate most often).

Fucking hypocrite.

21. buy a box-cutter. They really are handy.

Just ask the 9/11 hijackers!

Too soon?

Shit.

22. if you have lots of things that you’re reluctant to throw away because you’re not sure what they are—mystery cables, random remote-control devices, important looking screws that appeared mysteriously on the floor, obscure vacuum-cleaner attachments—put them all in one box. You’ll never use the stuff, but you’ll know it’s there.

And put a giant question mark on the box, Riddler-style. Who doesn’t love a Mystery Box?

23. for extra credit, put a date on the box, and if you haven’t opened it in a year, throw it away.

Shit! Don’t let her near the Time Capsule!

24. never allow a drawer or a closet to get so full that it’s hard to open and shut.

25. get rid of things that don’t work. If you’re like me, you’ll be amazed at how many things you have around the house that are perfectly useless.

Shit! Don’t let her near the children!

26. set aside a place where you put things to give away, and as soon as you realize you want to get rid of something, put it there. That way, you prevent clutter from accumulating.

May I suggest a bin of some kind? And if you were to put this bin outdoors, maybe, just maybe, a group of people will come by in a large truck and empty the contents of that bin. Then you can refill that bin once more.

27. if you can’t find something, clean up.

What if I want to find the mop…or did I just blow your mind?

I had fun with this. I might do it again.

Tags: humor //