E3 2007: I’m Not There
Not to diminish the experience of all the journalists that get to go to E3 and actually play the games and meet industry professionals, but as far as announcements and trailers go, I’m pretty much getting the same thing except maybe one hour later and in a more comfortable chair with less people to gawk at my hideous naked form (do they frown on nudity at E3? I imagine they would frown on nudity…wait, nevermind. I just saw the SOUL CALIBUR IV trailer). Anyway, here are my worthless impressions of what I’ve seen so far:
ASSASSIN’S CREED: Holy depressing. I don’t know who I feel worse for: Jade Raymond showcasing her game only to have it glitch up like a motherfucker. For a game set for release this November, you’re showing off something that’s clearly not ready for primetime if your making phantom contacts with NPCs and having floating bodies.
MARIO KART WII: I don’t know how you make a Mario Kart game seem not cool, but they pulled it off. Major selling points of online play have already been accomplished in Mario Kart DS and points like newbies being able to go “bumper to bumper” with veterans doesn’t seem so much “appealing” as it does “lame”. I mean, if I play more of a game, I want to be better at it. I don’t want Lucy McReadsalot to just pick up a Wii-mote and start kicking my ass. And that Wii-ell, well, if you think it’s lame me calling it that, then clearly, you have way too much respect for something that already exists and already doesn’t sell whatsoever.
WII-FIT: If you thought Wiis were hard to find now, just wait until parents find out that they can put their kids in front of a TV AND keep them healthy. Gamers may scoff, but has once again shown that they have their finger on the pulse of the mainstream.
HALO 360 CONSOLE: None more green. Also, it takes a big pair to announce a Halo 3-themed 360 and then say it won’t come with Halo 3.
NEW 360 ACCESSORIES: Until you learn the value of transparent plastic, I’ll just stick with the black and white controllers, thank you very much.
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WII ZAPPER: Let me see if I have this straight: you show off Resident Evil 5 but not Duck Hunt? FAIL.
MASS EFFECT: Still not sold on this beyond “It’s an RPG from Bioware”.
LOST ODYSSEY: Not bad but I’m not in the Cult of Sakaguchi so I’m not gonna splooge all over it.
ROCK BAND: I guess the only question left is which instrument I’m gonna get.
MY LIFE COACH: The signal that perhaps its time to kill yourself, now on the DS!
THE SIMPSONS GAME: I want this to be good, it even looks kind of good, but since when have The Simpsons been good and since when has a Simpsons videogame ever been good?
GUITAR HERO III: Not much newness. It really remains to be seen whether or not Neversoft screwed the pooch on this one or if they’ve managed to at least keep the game as good as it ever was.
More of my armchair quarterbacking as new stuff to criticize based solely on appearance becomes available.
Hit & Run was great, bozo.
I never said it wasn’t, captain kangaroo.