GoldbergBlog

It’s been said that the Oscars are the closest thing Hollywood has to a religious ceremony. The black gospel choir at the beginning of the show helped to accentuate this point. But without Jon Stewart, Chris Rock, or Billy Crystal to provide a buffer to the grandiose amount of self-love the show usually contains, the proceedings went from soft to pudgy to bloated to festering. The show would move from commercial break to commercial break without announcing a single award. No, apparently we had to hear the full renditions of every nominated song, present a tribute to screenwriters, ape major commercials (the opening honoring the nominees was a Mac and then the sound effects as well as the totally random/”wouldn’t that be cool” stylings of dance troupe Palabolus) were from car TV ads), celebrate fifty years of acknowledging foreign films, and finally, a short montage showing that while they also dedicate time to fellating Al Gore (and he was the night’s biggest winner, don’t let anyone tell you different) they also love America and always have.

But the night started decently enough. After the cute montage of the nominees, Ellen came on and did a fairly good job. While she at first seemed a little dwarfed by her surroundings, she soon hit a good rhythm and began the night’s theme of being totally inoffensive. Barely any joke was political, both in terms of national politics and Hollywood politics. And celebrities should have their night (because the rest of the year is absolutely terrible for them) but the host has to remember the people at home and how we need someone on our side. Someone to join us in our mockery. While I’m sure she was popular with the people inside the Kodak Theatre, for those of us watching at home, she was just too cuddly.

As for the awards, my predictions were rubbish. I usually hit at least .500 but this year I only got 10 out of 24 categories correct. I couldn’t get a single short film and what really threw me was the awards for sound editing (awarded to Letters From Iwo Jima because it takes a lot of effort to figure out the sound effects for a World War II battle; why not Pirates 2? It takes a lot more effort and imagination to figure out what a Kraken sounds like) and sound mixing. Usually those categories fall in line with the Visual Effects winner which was going to be, without a doubt, Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man’s Chest. And then there were the upsets, Alan Arkin proving that Best Supporting Actor is still and almost always will be The Old Man Award; and the one that basically ruined the night for me: The Lives of Others beating Pan’s Labyrinth for Best Foreign Language Film.

How did that happen? First, let me say that The Lives of Others IS a good film. But Pan’s already had THREE Oscar wins by that point in the night for Best Cinematography, Best Art Direction, and Best Make-Up. Doesn’t logic dictate that if you’re good enough for three Oscars and every other film in the category doesn’t even have any other nominations, you should win?

Everything else went according to plan. While the upsets in Best Supporting Actor and Foreign Film had me on edge about other “shoe-ins” like Best Actor (would Peter O’Toole win?) and Best Director (would they fuck Marty yet again?), those went off without a hitch. Even the long and richly-deserved win for Scorsese felt right on cue with a standing ovation. Although I will say I enjoyed George Lucas, whining to his co-presenters Francis Ford Coppola and Steven Spielberg, that he didn’t have an Oscar. And God-willing George, you never will. Now go rape some more childhoods.

But if the defeat of Pan’s was the worst shock of the night, the victory for The Departed for Best Picture was the best surprise of the grueling four hour service. I was waiting for a kick in the teeth by either Babel or Little Miss Sunshine (the latter is a good film but not Best Picture material) but the only nominee of the bunch that I think deserved to win got the award.

By the end of the show, I was grateful for the wins of The Departed and even more grateful that I wouldn’t have to sit through this group masturbation until next year.

Tags: movies //